High Order Satire, or How to Breathe Oil!
Let me begin by stating clearly, this in no way condones the hostage situation which played out at the Discovery Channel building. James J. Lee was truly one sick puppy. That probably explains why he inadvertently set a new bar for high order satire. These are the demands and sayings of Lee. You’ll be finding a lot of random quotations like that (and that’s nowhere near one of Lee’s gems) at the website where he laid out his demands, available right here.
Before I dive head first into this comic goldmine, there might be some pertinent points to highlight about this story. What the effects of a 24-hour news cycle are concerning information uptake, retention, psychological effects, and a whole slew of other mental/cognitive aspects of humanity on filthy human children (and filthy human adults, for that matter) are not yet really known. Even insights on the process are tough to come by, but here’s one relating to case of Shirley Sherrod. She was the USDA worker from Georgia who resigned over clipped footage from a press conference, which found its way into the news cycle. Apparently properly vetted, which is a punchline on CSPAN3. A modern day ‘Al Capone’s Vault,’ hype over nothing. Little known fact about the practice of cryptojournalism…..upon investigation of most matters, you find nothing more than smoke and mirrors. Merit in the news is sparse and tough to find. Folly and jest? Well….
If I had to make a wild leap and guess (criteria for being a cryptojournalist), I’d lay my chips down on people retaining less information and likely being less knowledgeable on general news and current events. Without a shadow of a doubt, it leads to a glut of incomplete and flawed information (even when it should not). Deepwater Horizon’s explosion and the collateral damage wreaked on the Gulf of Mexico gives us a fantastic example. Too big to tackle right now.
Lee provides at least anecdotal evidence in this instance. Let’s travel back to a quaint and peaceful time in American history, early September 2010. This Mad TV skit on crystal hits the airwaves, amid much panic and worry. From the jump, completely lost in the tale of this mentally unhinged hostage taker at the Discovery Channel building was the bequeathing upon mankind of the greatest gift since Jesus left Indiana Jones the Holy Grail. That’s right, I’m talking about Lee’s Manifesto. But speaking to friends and family, I came to realize only a few who had heard about the episode knew of his maniacal rant. Fewer still had read it.
Comedy in its purest form. Better than a basket full o’ nearlyisms. Pissed off at everyone. Vague solutions. An affinity for squirrels. One-liners galore. A completely deluded and insane worldview. The terrible ideas and the kind of self contradiction one only finds among the greats of unintentional comedy, like Isiah Thomas.
Now, if this Lee character WAS serious, far crazier than I think anyone can reckon. Since bullet points demand attention, some of the more savory tidbits from this chucklefest are found below. Lee’s in bold italics, and I’ve added my 2 bits afterward. Like carrying on a dialogue with a dead nutjob. Spooky. Grab a bag of chips, this might take a minute.
- Focus must be given on how people can live WITHOUT giving birth to more filthy human children since those new additions continue pollution and are pollution. Wow. A lot to digest. Lee, you certainly have a way with words. I’m fairly certain guy doesn’t get any play, or he would at least value the process behind making kids. Also filthy. But if human children are pollution, and you were once a human child, does that make you pollution? I certainly don’t think so. I think you’re comic gold!
- A game show format contest would be in order. Hmmmmmm, I like where this is going…..
- …programs encouraging human sterilization and infertility must be pushed. What would be a program encouraging infertility? Streaming footage of the Tuesday afternoon C-team at the Purring Pussy? Cause that’s a boner squasher right there. Honestly, what would programs encouraging infertility consist of in terms of content? I’m vexed.
- Also, keep out the fraudulent peace movements. Right on brother! Fuck peace!
- 4. Civilization must be exposed for the filth it is. That, and all its disgusting religious-cultural roots and greed. Broadcast this message until the pollution in the planet is reversed and the human population goes down! Interesting. Reversing over two millennium of culture and beliefs through broadcasting and media saturation? If that’s your route, hope you’ve got some time on your hands. Oh yeah. You’re dead. You have plenty of free time.
- This is your obligation. If you think it isn’t, then get hell off the planet! Where to? Rebels blew up the Death Star, and the Prison Planet won’t be operational until 2014.
- Breathe Oil! It is the moral obligation of everyone living otherwise what good are they?? Lee, I was there with you on the game show. I really was. But breathe oil? I mean, I love it. I’ll probably be yelling that at people when I’m drunk for the next year. Not practical advice at all though, my friend.
- ….find solutions to stopping ALL immigration pollution and the anchor baby filth. Ok, I’ll admit it. Cause I’m not Fox News or some credible news outlet (you like that trick, coming back to an earlier point?). That quote ACTUALLY says, “When we find solutions to stopping ALL immigration pollution and the anchor baby filth, China will be ready to march south from Vancouver and nobody will bat an eye until the Red Army hits San Francisco.” Check out the manifesto, swear to God. Guy’s bold. Honest, that’s what he says. Check it out for yourself.
- Find solutions to stopping it. Um, Lee, if you find solutions to stopping it, it will continue. Double negative, dude.
- …breed more unwanted pollution babies. Ok, that really is taken out of context. Lee just has a, oh what’s a good European sounding phrase, joie de vivre that transcends life.
- …correct and dismantle the dangerous US world economy. Someone beat you to it.
- You’re also going to find solutions for unemployment and housing. C’mon now, Lee! Asking a television producer to solve housing woes and unemployment? While you’re at it, ask the waitress at IHOP for some hot stock tips.
- Humans are the most destructive, filthy, pollutive creatures around and are wrecking what’s left of the planet with their false morals and breeding culture. Ok buddy, cool it. Is pollutive a word? If it isn’t I hope it’s a word that residents of the borough neighboring Queens, Fags, begin to be called. Trend crushers from Long Island who move to Fags to feel like they’re all cosmotologist and everything. Bohemian is the word. THEY’RE pollutive creatures.
- THIS IS AT THE EXPENSE OF THE FOREST CREATURES!!!! Not the forest creatures! If sparing the forest creatures means teaching Malthusian theory through game shows, with infertility programming at the top of the hour, so be it. This has got to be my favorite quip from the whole diatribe. You can use it to describe anything. A sugar packet? This is at the expense of the forest creatures. You, right now, reading this on a computer monitor, is at the expense of the forest creatures. See what I mean? Genius.
- All human procreation and farming must cease! Time out. Cease procreation? I like procreating. Most of us do. How about we keep procreation and simply cease farming? We should be able to live off Ding Dongs and Twinkies for a while.
- Children represent FUTURE catastrophic pollution whereas their parents are current pollution. How does it feel being zinged by a dead lunatic? Chew on that next time you’re procreating.
- one child born in the US will use 30 to a thousand times more resources than a Third World child. It’s like a couple are having 30 babies even though it’s just one! These numbers are sound. In fact, since CNN ended their working relationship with the Associated Press, they’ve picked up this juicy figure.
- Humans are supposed to be inventive. INVENT, DAMN YOU!! Here I sympathize with you, Lee. But I’m a product of the American education system. I was fast tracked to fail. Maybe you should target McGraw-Hill next time. Oops, sorry dead man. No more antics for you.
- Saving the environment and the remaning species diversity of the planet is now your mindset. Nothing is more important than saving them. The Lions, Tigers, Giraffes, Elephants, Froggies, Turtles, Apes, Raccoons, Beetles, Ants, Sharks, Bears… You’re right. [Mindset shifting] Ok now what?
- and, of course, the Squirrels. Yes, of course. The last great undomesticated beast in the wild. Now it’s all clear. The squirrels are suffering! Stand up, people! We’ve got to work towards a solution. For the squirrels, of course.
- The humans? The planet does not need humans. I’ll let Raul speak on my behalf.
- These are the demands and sayings of Lee. Love it. Every correspondence from now on should have to end as such.
That’s 22 bullet points, and I was being generous (to the reader). We could have been bogged down in nonsensical ranting for days, maybe even a fortnight. No, all I ask of you is read it yourself. If Lee were smart, he’d have leaked that manifesto to Viacom. At the worst, he’d be doing animated sketches on comedycentral.com. Best case scenario? The next hit comedy from Showtime.
But it wasn’t meant to be. Oh well, we’ll have to do with this high order satirical glimpse into the mind of madness. See you in hell, Lee. Thanks again for the tasty comedy gumbo you served up before your timely demise.