God For Bid Your Computer Dies

Recently my computer was felled by internet malfeasance.  I’m not all that sure how it happened, but it couldn’t have worked out better.  Important rhetorical lessons were learned, and I’d like to share them with you today.

Y’see, I could have been back online, setting the interwebs ablaze with cryptojournalism.  But during my web hiatus, I had the poor misfortune of reading.  Contemporary books.  Literature, if you will.  But I won’t.  None more than five years old, roughly covering 2 1/2 genres, it was a sad exercise indeed.  Polishing all three off in the span of a week, I’m ashamed of myself.

The troika of books (forgive me for admitting this) were Son of a Witch, a feeble sequel to the smash hit Wicked, Mayflower, a pseudo-historical riff on, well, the Mayflower colony.  More a foisting of contemporary values and morals on a historical patsy.  Oh, and The Overton Window.  My mother gave it to me.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

All three were severe wastes of my time, aside from boosting the nationwide reading average.  Something dawned on me, probably when Glenn Beck was making a savant Dr. Phil/Oprah analogy in his New York Times Bestselling book.  For the first time, I understood why nobody reads books anymore.

They’re not worth reading.

Simple as that.

Even flashy animated videos, geared towards the young urban youth, cannot help the plight.  Although the video is always awesomely heeeeeelarious.

Even despite the passionate efforts of Black Entertainment Television, it isn’t worth the time.  I had a boss at a job, she liked the phrase, “Garbage in, Garbage out.”  Totally applies to the publishing industry today.  Why in the world would an intelligent person shackle themselves to words in the 21st Century?  Especially when what you get in return is bisexual witches and shadow conspiracies brought to you by Blackberry and Verizon.  Read a motherfucking book!

Eventually getting back online proved a long overdue bonus: I finally got a library card!

To go online at the library, of course.  Yeah, that’s a zinger on libraries nationwide.  Of note, people seem to go to the library to go on the internet to play Farmville and slots.  No shit.  But, for lack of a better term, the space afforded by going to a public place for public internet time compelled me to shave my use.  God for bid you can’t check your Facebook profile!

Facebook has become nothing more than a mining ground for fantastic grammar errors and poor spelling.  Yes, I said fantastic.  I know more than a few people whose pages are an English professor’s worst nightmare.  Comic gold.  Basically, I’m the guy on the internet telling you that your poor spelling and bad grammar is a joke.  Even for an incredibly cynical person, cryptojournalist in name, it was becoming too much.

It was a deep breath, unshackled from news and politics for a spell.  Proved very nice, something I’d suggest to everyone.  Cut down your net time just a bit.  But only after you read this blog, of course.

Then again, we’re talking about 21st Century prose, so you should probably move along to something more vital.  Like Perez Hilton.

Couple of other quick anecdotes and tangential points, swear to keep it short.

Asked a friend of mine who works Wall Street about the speculative value of converting Dollars into Chinese Yuan.

So Colorful!

Wall Street thought I was recruiting him for the citizens militia or something.  In a pretty funny scene, he drapes an arm around me in the loud Manhattan bar, pulls me close and tells me how I just need to be happy!  Find something in the world that makes you happy!  He was quite surprised when I admitted I’m actually happy, and was just looking for smart financial advice from someone more in the know than a borderline homeless person.

On the bright side, I finally learned the difference between the Chinese Yuan and the Chinese Renminbi: it’s essentially the difference between scrilla and cash.  Ie. nothing.

Almost forgot….today’s April 20th.  You know what that means.  Happy Birthday Hitler!

Whos the birthday boy? Sieg heil!

Kidding.  Neo-nazi holidays aside, today’s the one year anniversary of the Deepwater Horizon explosion and the BP oil spill.  Which either wasn’t the big deal everyone thought it’d be.  Or it’s the worst environmental catastrophe EVER!!!!  Guess it all depends what you read.  Although, at this point, you probably shouldn’t.  God for bid you miss some important news or Hitler’s birthday!


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