Nuanced Plot Devices

I’d like to start with this headline yesterday from The Peninsula Daily News, out of the great state of Washington.

“Keep distance, don’t urinate: Olympic National Park revises plan in wake of goat-goring death”

Seems rather benign: goats like salt, urine is salty, therefore hikers in Olympic Park shouldn’t make salt licks.  National park enthusiasts should feel confident that park officials have revised their mountain goat action plan.

I’m not even sly enough to make that one up.  Mountain goat action plan.  Sounds like a song title out of thrashcore, or synthetic electro dub step or bloodcore or some other contrived style of music.

The kicker?  Somehow the Associated Press picks this story up.  Since the week-to-week management of a national park is really important news.  Here’s the AP’s headline.

“Olympic Park visitors urged not to pee near trails”

Somewhere, there’s an editor quite content with the crispness of that headline.  It really lays the meat and guts of that hard hitting story right out there for the reader.  Elsewhere, the premise of an informed public silently dies.  But, hey, good to know.

If I find myself hiking the Pacific Northwest this season, I’ll make sure to do my best to aid and assist in whichever way possible with the mountain goat action plan.

The next time someone wonders aloud, “What’s wrong with the news?”, you have your answer.  The Associated Press is using the nuanced plot device of pee to drive traffic.  On a wholly unnecessary story.  I would not call this news, I’d call it bullshit.  I should know, I’ve been dabbling in bullshit for a while now.  “Guys, don’t just turn around and piss,” being pawned off as news is bullshit of a relatively high magnitude.

Metaphors: Sam, y'see, has a smart daughter. Who draws

Speaking of magnitudes of bullshit, there’s the debate over the debt ceiling.  Scratch that.  There is the bi-partisan support shown for the defense budget.  The Pentagon stays fed, and our operations abroad continue unquestioned and unabated.  Which is great, except, well, um.  Oh, how do I say this, it’s just so tough.  Yeah, over there, in Washington D.C., uhhh, politicians are haggling over a $14,300,000,000,000 bill that’s moving in the wrong direction.  But in a vote of 336-87 the defense budget passes.  In fact, it’s the only growth sector in the federal government.  And 80% of the elected officials made sure of that

Citizens?  Eat a dick.  Explosive toys, that’s what gains support from both Republicans and Democrats.  Hence, why politics is a generally lost cause.

I’d be remiss to not pull the dads of this generation aside for a minute.  Fellas, look, I know it’s bad out there.  Unemployment, inflation, Danielle Staub is returning to television.  Bad times.  Although, maybe I’m speculating wildly, but putting Heidi Montag, Danielle Staub and Ashley Dupre together with Three 6 Mafia on set would work out great if they were casting a rap video.  Opening a chic restaurant?

I was hoping they'd serve crunk juice. Sizzurp at the very least

Either way, VH1’s Famous Food will help usher someone from that cast that much closer to the porn life.

Danielle, do that butterfly again girlie!

Joking aside, something is going sideways.  Guys, I don’t know what’s wrong, but please, for the love of God, don’t rampage and kill your kids.  To what end?

If you didn’t read about Rodrick Dantzler’s wild ride through Grand Rapids, well, it’s not fun.  He killed his own daughter, two ex-girlfriends and four of their family members.  He shot two others, held a house of strangers hostage, then shot himself in the face.  No justice.

That’s insane.  Beyond my feeble comprehension insane.  Fathers of America, is the future so bleak you’d rather murder your own children?

This is where I should post some wry video, or have some snappy photo.

Well, instead we’ve got the news of Everett Conant III.  He decided to kill his three sons, his brother and shoot his wife.

I’m literally stumped.  There’s no cynical jokes to make, nothing to make light of from these two grizzly acts happening in completely different places at the same time.  This is the world today.  People so far gone they’re killing their own progeny.  For a cynical person, that’s tough to grasp.  An indictment of life by these twisted men.  Hence why I post this Friday evening, so nobody will have to read about these tragic messes.

While I’d like to leave on that upbeat note, the three intrepid readers able to make it through that dour mess deserve better.

Here’s a little zinger.  Caterpillar completed an acquisition of Bucyrus, a maker of mining equipment, for $8.8 billion.  Hard economic times indeed.  This little quip in the body of the article caught my eye.  Bear in mind Caterpillar is based in Illinois, Bucyrus in Wisconsin:

Caterpillar Inc. said it completed the deal Friday after getting regulatory approval from China. The U.S. Justice Department already approved it.

Forbes reports the same.  But they (nor anyone else) report why two American companies need Chinese approval.  Oh, so the zinger?

Free market democracy

You have been zung