Because Lambasting the Tea Party Debate is What You Expect From a Cryptojournalist

If you missed CNN’s Tea Party Express Republican Debate last night, good for you.  Hopefully you watched Tom Brady eviscerate the Dolphins and Wes Welker cause Miami fans to drink heavily.

That’s why I’m here.  Why be informed when you can read cryptojournalism?  Seriously though, there were a couple of gems to be plucked from this snooze fest, so let’s put our ankles in it!

Just like every news bureau, I’m going to start with hunky Rick Perry.  What a dope.  And I mean that in the kindest way possible.  What I gleamed from last night was the man prefers a loose interpretation of the US Constitution and is a high priced call girl.

First, his man whorish ways.  He revealed a little more than I expected in a tit for tat with Michele Bachmann over his mandating HPV vaccines for Texas high school girls.  From the transcript:

BACHMANN:  What I’m saying is that it’s wrong for a drug company, because the governor’s former chief of staff was the chief lobbyist for this drug company.  The drug company gave thousands of dollars in political donations to the governor, and this is just flat-out wrong.

The question is, is it about life, or was it about millions of dollars and potentially billions for a drug company?

BLITZER:  All right.  I’ll let Senator Santorum hold off for a second.

You’ve got to response to that.

PERRY:  Yes, sir.  The company was Merck, and it was a $5,000 contribution that I had received from them.  I raise about $30 million.

And if you’re saying that I can be bought for $5,000, I’m offended.

Hilarious.  If you’re trying to buy off Rick Perry, you better bring six figures, capiche?  Here’s where I throw in the obligatory make it rain image.

Lil Wayne & Fat Joe could do business with Perry, no doubt

Ahhhh, much better.  Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, did you see what Rick Perry did in that back and forth?  It wasn’t disavowing corruption.  No, he’s ‘offended’ by a paltry sum like $5,000.  Interesting, Rick, very interesting.

Then there’s his, shall I say feeble understanding of the Constitution.  Specifically, Article IV, Section 4.  First, here’s a Perryism, something that can only exist in his mind and the minds of other vulnerable adults.  [<—Did you see that?  You should boo, folks]  Back to the debate transcript:

…the federal government has to step up and do what their constitutional duty is, and that is to secure the border with Mexico .

Uh, but Rick.  That’s not what the Constitution says at all.  Bear in mind this is an argument between Rick Santorum and Perry over immigration.  Not the drug war, where the cartel has too free a reign.  Here’s what it says regarding borders:

The United States shall guarantee to every State in this Union a Republican Form of Government, and shall protect each of them against Invasion; and on Application of the Legislature, or of the Executive (when the Legislature cannot be convened), against domestic Violence.

NOW….If you believe the various illegals crossing the border comprise an invasion force, you’re probably a fan favorite at a Tea Party Debate.  Thank you folks, I’ll be here all week.

Were he posing a rhetorical argument for tight borders due to drug violence, that may be more persuasive.  Pandering to bigotry and misconstruing foreign workers crossing the border illegally as some sort of invasion is wild.  Rick Perry might just be a cryptojournalist, the way he twisted Article. IV.  Impressive stuff, really.

But what’s REAL funny is how it contradicts his posture as a small government Republican.  Except when he’s not.

And now, for a short programming interlude.  During commercial breaks on the webcast, CNN ran hysterical Twits from Twitter and online questions.  So without further ado, here’s your winner for Most Ironic Internet Question from CNN’s 2011 Tea Party Express Republican Debate:

By abolishing the Tea Party

Moving on to one of those Tea Partiers known for creating a bipartisan environment to help move the country forward….Michele Bachmann!

For a bright woman (she’s a tax lawyer!), she sure doesn’t get it.  Whatever it is.  And in this case, it’s surprisingly the American way.  I know, right?  Let’s dip into the debate one more time (emphasis added):

…I think that the American way is not to give taxpayer subsidized benefits to people who have broken our laws or who are here in the United States illegally.  That is not the American way.

*cough* Goldman Sachs *cough*

I guess that means every financial device of the last decade is totally above board.  My fucking ass.  I found at least one outcast voice in the wild from 2008 willing to label a bailout as a subsidy.  Thank you, Gary North.  In reality, the American way is to give taxpayer subsidized benefits (in this case, money from the Federal Reserve discount window) to people who have broken our laws.

Whoops, I forgot.  Nobody’s been prosecuted from any of the fiscal fiascoes of the last few years.  Scratch that last paragraph, K?  As a nation, the United States most definitely does not aid and assist lawbreakers.  Never, ever.  Never.

Alright, and we’re back with more insane internet questions from the webcast.  Here’s the winner for Most Contradictory Internet Question from CNN’s 2011 Tea Party Express Republican Debate, brought to you by Carl’s Jr:

The only way to force another country to do something is by force

I didn’t have to throw in the ExxonMobil logo, but did.  It’s like a “Fuck You” to sensible voters nationwide.  The question itself is hilarious, almost unhinged.  The most practical way to force a country to build its own military is to attack.  Which isn’t going to bring troops home.  Moving right along…..

Sorry, Mitt Romney.  You were too damn boring to even garner mention.  But while his name is lingering in cyberspace right there, like a stale fart, let me state this as clearly and bigoted as possible.  America will never vote for a Mormon Businessman who founded a private equity firm *cough* Bain Capital *cough* as President of the United States.  People equate Mormons to Scientologists, and Scientology is literally the worst organization on Earth.  Just putting it out there.

Then there’s Ron Paul.  When Yahoo! is reporting how you elicit cheers for inadvertently endorsing letting uninsured people die in the name of freedom, things aren’t going great.  Poor Ron Paul.  Here’s the video of the incident, see how he’s baited into this weird death angle.

On the bright side, at least he’s not Jon Huntsman.  Sad sack Jon Huntsman couldn’t even get his zinger right.  Even worse, it’s being reported in America’s newspaper, USA Today.  Yikes.  From the article:

Huntsman mocked the plan Romney put forth in his book, No Apology. “I don’t know if that was written by Kurt Cobain or not,” said the former Utah governor, in what’s been interpreted as an allusion to the Nirvana song All Apologies.

When the legitimate news has to interpret an allusion, normally a valuable asset in the toolbox of the cryptojournalist, you’re fubared.  Nice try tho, buddy.

Before we begin wrapping this up, we’ve got one more internet question award to hand out.  This is our winner of the Education Question Which Most Illuminates Our Need For Education from CNN’s 2011 Tea Party Express Republican Debate:

Me fail English? That's unpossible!

Whoever the editor is that found an education question missing ‘an’ indefinite article, kudos.  That made my day.

My last thought on the debate: Herman Cain is a pretty funny dude.  Which brings about a major problem.  Now that Bernie Mac is gone, who’s going to play Mr. Cain in the 2013 HBO movie about the 2011-12 Republican nomination (tentatively called Dumpster Fire)?

"Herman Cain"

Spread your wings and flyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!

I mean, I’ve got Adam Scott (with some silver highlights) as Jon Huntsman, which fits perfectly.

"Jon Huntsman"

Do I have Nirvana on my iPod? I don't even know myself

Rick Perry is too easy to cast.  Just get that guy who plays Texas Governors, what’s his face?

"Rick Perry"

Up your ass, Liberals

Look, it’s not my fault Josh Brolin looks like he was minted to be Governor of Texas.  These things just happen sometimes.

Slick Rick Santorum?  None other than famed comedian Harland Williams a.k.a. Kenny from Half Baked.

"Rick Santorum"


Since this is an HBO joint, I’d imagine they’ve still got the Crypt Keeper lying around in some warehouse.  Perfect casting for Ron Paul.

"Ron Paul"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Tales from the Congress

Now I’ve hit an impasse with Ms. Bachmann.  If I really want to feed into the Old White Guy sexual fetishizing  of Michele Bachmann, you cast Kim Cattrall.  If you simply want to be mean, go with Mary-Louise Parker.  Bachmann would pitch a fit if the lady from Weeds portrayed her in anything.

Although if we were trying to capture that, how to put it….hmmmm……crazy eye look Michele’s got locked down, apparently Ramona Singer (whoever that is) has it on lockdown.  Supposedly she’s a Real Housewife, and by the looks of it, from Crazy Town.

Seriously, if you type ‘crazy eyes’ and search Google images, it’s Bachmann and Singer and nobody else of note.  They’re the Queen and Princess of the Kingdom of Insane Optics.

The myriad faces of Ramona Singer. All crazy

If you have not figured it out by now, the movie is being cast as a comedy.

"Michele Bachmann"

Or is she "Michele Bachmann"?

It took a lot for me to not post her eating a corn dog

I’ve still got some casting to do, but that’s shaping up to be an all star comedy cast.  HBO, I hope you’re pilfering my idea right now.

So that’s a wrap.  If you missed the debate, good for you.  Dumpster fire is too kind a phrase to describe the whole scene.  I hope this provides some color and accent (not necessarily news and information) for you about the most recent debate.  Till then…..

9 Responses to “Because Lambasting the Tea Party Debate is What You Expect From a Cryptojournalist”

  1. Check out this Bluegrass cover of All Apologies by Back City Woods:

  2. +1 for Ron Paul as Cryptkeeper… well done sir

    • , and more. Perhaps Cain’s biggest atavndages have yet to be highlighted. First of all, Cain is a natural leader. Regardless of all the self-help books and seminars, leadership is a natural ability. It can be learned to a degree, much like I can learn to play Mary Had a Little Lamb on the piano, but I’ll never be a concert pianist. I don’t have that ability. Obama is no leader. And everyone knows it. Standing side by side with Cain on a debate stage, Obama would look small.Secondly, despite a decades long allegiance to the Democrat Party, most blacks in this country are church going, hard working, conservatives. They have faith in God, are pro-life, and believe in the American Dream. While liberals would point out that a disproportionate amount of black men are in prison, I would point out that a disproportionate amount willingly enlist in our volunteer army-and it’s not because they can’t get a job doing anything else (although with Obama’s economy, who knows?) they’ve been doing it for decades.Third, Herman Cain is like-able. Even critics of his 999 plan can’t deny that Herman Cain is a like-able fellow. Confidence and strength are not the only qualities he projects. Herman Cain is the guy you want to sit next to in church, have over for dinner, or enjoy a Sunday afternoon NFL game with. He’ll probably be the one to bring the chips and salsa. Obama-not so much. While Obama’s like-ability’ polls seem to be rather high, I attribute this to white guilt and the I’m no Uncle Tom syndrome. It’s much easier to say, I like him personally (I’m no racist/sellout) but I disagree with his policies. Obama is arrogant, self-absorbed, mean-spirited, dishonest and he has no sense of humor. Herman Cain is humble, yet confident, concerned for others, has a genuine love for this country and most of all,Fourthly, Herman Cain can’t be bought. Say what you will of the other candidates, and especially Obama himself, can you honestly say any one of them wouldn’t give a little on principle for personal or political gain? I can’t. I don’ think Herman Cain HAS a price. And that may be the most important factor of all.I’ll admit Cain has his weaknesses, namely foreign policy. But Herman Cain is an extremely smart man (he was actually a rocket scientist with the Navy). He can learn, fast. And he’s humble enough to admit he’s got a learning curve. He is a leader, lest we forget, and as such he will surround himself with the best counsel and make the best decisions for this country and our allies. And he will take full responsibility for any failures that occur on his watch. You won’t have to fear 4 years of blaming the previous administration or Congress or Tsunamis, earthquakes and the Arab Spring.’After 4 years of Obama many in America have learned, it’s not just the message, it’s the man. Herman Cain is the MAN America needs in 2012.

  3. +1 for Ron Paul as Cryptkeeper… well done sir

    • It’s a pleasure to find such rationality in an answer. Weoclme to the debate.

      • Great article Robin,But who do I think could acutally win against the Obama machine? A strong black man. . as in the brainy, charismatic Herman Cain.I’ve liked Herman Cain since the first time I heard him. As that first time was over the radio his skin color was not apparent to me. I just thought he was a bright, articulate, and practical man. I’ve been prepared to vote for him in the primaries for months. Until recently I thought I was going to be throwing my vote away. To me, it’s interesting to now see other conservatives joining me and perhaps giving Mr. Cain a chance. Failing a political victory, I’d one day like to have a whiskey and a cigar with Mr. Cain. He seems as if he’d be an interesting fellow to spend an evening talking with. I see many other potential benefits of a qualified, black candidate like Cain. Certainly, Cain’s running would neutralize the left’s cries of racism. I do have to give you credit for positive thinking here but I disagree. The left is already saying that conservative whites are voting for Mr. Cain in order to hide their racism. The left is a coalition of forces mainly comprised of racists, feminists (I’ve been looking for the female gender word analogy to ‘misogynist and I can’t find it so I’ll have to use feminist in the format of a person who hates males), environmentalists, and socialists. They feed on hate and they could not give up their strong right arm of race hatred no matter who conservatives run. They’ll just find another way to spin it. Sorry to disagree with you Robin. I do agree with you that Obama is not an alpha male and Cain will have an affect on him. That will be worth watching. I just hope that the head honchos in the Republican Party, as well as the American people, see things the same way.That’s the fear. The Republican Party is not conservative and has little more interest in the huddled masses than do the Democrats, although they’ll invite conservatives and libertarians into the tent in order to garner power. Obama is now projected to have 800 million dollars for his campaign. Of which he will have to spend none in a primary. Since Obama still can’t run on his record he is going to have to defame whomever he runs against. If the Republicans do not whole heartedly get their money machine behind a candidate, that candidate could lose. Presently, the Republicans do not like the conservative Tea Partiers because they diminish the power of the Republican Elite and siphon attention away. So, I think there will be two races. One race nationally and second race within the Republican Party to let them know that they must accept conservatives or lose from now on just as they did in 2008. The election in 2010 showed us that we don’t have to settle for whoever the Republicans say could win. I hope we stick to that format now.

  4. Eric Mabius Says:

    Interesting article, I really wish to share about Charles B. Wang center founded by Charles Wang . I visited Gift shop there & I really impressed by them because most of the item made from recycled materials with unique ideas. It was a great experience.

    • NO CAIN FOR PRESIDENTIf you’re a senior, you are Cain’s favitore target. He can’t wait to get his hands in our pockets. Any senior that is unfortunate enough to be on SSI only, better look for a job if Cain gets in because you will get NO DEDUCTIONS and NO EXEMPTIONS whatsoever under his 999 plan you will pay 9% tax on your SSI and will pay 9% national sales tax on top of the current state and local sales tax you now pay on EVERY single purchase you make be it groceries or a new car or house. Cain is planning a massacre alright but it’s seniors and many middle income families that will bare the brunt of it. Here’s a quick check to see how good 999 would work for everyone. If you are a senior or a family look at your last tax form, now take away the dependent credits for yourself, your wife and children and the credit for your house, donations, any credits or exemptions you have and multiply your total income by 9% and remember you are also paying that additional 9% national sales tax too for everything including that new car you want. Now if you are an average family and not wealthy, tell me how much $$$$ you are saving with 999??? SMOKE AND MIRRORS PEOPLE, worthy of an ovomit con. Also do some real research on the man, he is pro Federal Reserve, and he was the head of the Federal Reserve in KS, his ultimate hero in his own words at the last debate is Greenspan, there is still a large class action law suit pending with one of the companies he headed just to name a few.

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