Archive for the Media Farce Category

Bob Ross and the Plight of DVR

Posted in Cryptojournalism, Media Farce with tags , , , on February 26, 2011 by The Cryptojournalist

I normally like Brian Moylan’s articles from Gawker.  He has a certain Jungian charm to his writing, especially his reviews of Jersey Shore.  Which I was so disappointed with his roasting, lambasting, complaining about the foibles of the digital video recorder, or DVR for short.

Listing the gripes for the DVR machine in 2011 is akin to complaining about VCR’s in 1997.  They’re already obsolete.  I wouldn’t be bringing this up were there not a cryptojournalist angle.  This article, and especially the reader comments, prove to be a great disservice to anyone reading the article.

The title of the article, rather than, “Dear Television Industry: You Must Learn To Cooperate With DVR’s, Or Else,” should be, “Let me assist you in making an uninformed decision.”

I should reveal something about myself.  I’m one of those high-and-mighty, slightly condescending types who has figured out how to live without cable television.  Put your tongues back in your mouth, slack jaws.

Even Hill Dawg is shocked folks in the 21st Century live without cable

Know what?  I’m not missing anything.  Well, that’s not totally true.  I’ve got a website for live sports.  Torrents allow me to find just about anything (I’ll get to the virtues of that in a moment).  Oh shit, I forgot.  I DON’T get cable news.  Which, in my book, acts as a net gain.

Which brings me back to Mr. Moylan’s article.  He’s a TV reviewer on the internet.  That is probably the only criteria I could rationalize for having a cable box.  Well, that and if you’re a UFC junkie and cannot do without your Pay-Per-Views.  If you have a measure of patience and an broadband feed (both of which are necessary for reading this blog), you’re playing a suckers game with the cable company.

The crux of the article, along with way too many of the insipid comments, revolve around the trick of networks cutting the last few moments of a show off because it runs ‘past’ the DVR time slot.  Which is, you know, cute and provincial in that way that you don’t know how to program a recording from 9:00-9:32.  I don’t watch 30 Rock.  Wink-and-a-nod consumerism and ‘letting the audience in on the joke’ is not the comedic template for me, I guess.  But if I did, I would not miss the final joke and lead out punchline.  Torrents are too good.

Really, the problem is Moylan vaguely glosses over the ‘or else’.  Call it being wary of biting the hand that feeds.  But paying for cable television is like paying for music….it’s just not necessary.

His final riposte, his warning shot across the bow of network television, falls flat.

It’s time to set things right, television networks, or we’re going to do something even worse than DVRing your precious entertainments. We’re going to start watching them on the internet, where you still haven’t figure out how to make money off of them. Take that!

Except within the limited spectrum of his readers, all that means is watching Jersey Shore on and tuning into The Office on  Both are bad breaks, since both immerse the viewer in advertising.  Um, Brian, why do you think people DVR these days?  To avoid advertising, of course.  It’s the reason Britney Spears is able to earn six figures via product placement.  Lady Gaga and Beyoncé showed her the way, but it’s nothing new.

The readers are called out for their almost complete lack of knowledge on torrents.  Of the 100+ brain dead comments, maybe three even point out the advantage of downloading through torrent engines.

It’s real easy.  Pick an engine.  A torrent engine.  Find a website that hosts torrents.  Then search.  It’s just like Napster or Limewire or some other dead peer-to-peer engine, only you search online instead of in the engine.  More than anything, it involves patience.  The time to download and the time for new shows to upload would rankle many.

Oh did I mention all the commercials are edited out by the time any television show hits the internet?  Now I understand Brian Moylan and Gawker not wanting to appear to support those evil web pirates.  For so many readers who would likely consider themselves smart, tech savvy and ahead of the curve, it illuminates a true ignorance on how the web works.

People love to gripe about the plight of content creators, how internet pirates are ruining the entertainment industry.  These people have never heard of the idea of the prime divider.  It’s a pretty strong notion, and easily analogized through the years.

In the Middle Ages, people were generally illiterate.  Except the clergy.  At that time, literacy was the prime divider.  There were people who could read, and people who could not.  Easy to see how advantage could be gained in such a situation.  The modern equivalent would be computers.

People with access to computers have a great advantage over those without.  Along with the computer has come the internet.  They’re so interconnected, like a shoe and its laces.  The internet proves to act as another prime divider.  There are people who are linked up and have bandwidth, and those who do not.

Like most prime dividers, it’s pay to play.  You can’t download torrents from the web if you aren’t paying for a high quality internet service.  The internet is an amusement park.  Once you pay to get in, whatever you enjoy doing at the park is up to you.  Not a legal based argument for piracy, but its just common sense.

If you’re paying for, say, 20MB per second if internet speed, what good is it to you if you’re not using all you pay for?

Articles like this piece lead people down a futile path.  Rather than pointing people away from the advertising they loathe, it leads them towards advertising on the web.  Most unsavory.

But there is one more reason this type of work from Gawker is a detriment to its readers.  His name is Bob Ross.

That’s right.  Bob Ross.  American legend, bringer of joy and happy little trees with The Joy of Painting.  One of my personal heroes.  How many other people do you know who’ve had domesticated squirrels?

Show me another man with a pet squirrel

During middle school and high school, I used to go home sick after 6th or 7th period frequently for one reason.  I was not sick.  The Joy of Painting aired at 2:30 on PBS, and I wanted to watch.  It’s not only that he’s the only man I’ve ever seen with anything even resembling a domesticated squirrel (although it seems to be a rare case, it is not a very popular practice).  His voice was pure velvet.  And the art?

Well, painting landscapes in a half hour is a faded hobby, a past trend of a different generation.  Last time I had a cable box, Bob’s show was one of the most elusive things to even find to DVR.  But he’s alive and well on torrents.  Like a giant library of all those great shows you faintly remember.

You’re getting old if you remember The Hair Bear Bunch

That, more than anything, is the beauty of discarding cable.  Instead of sampling from the prix fixe menu of cable channels, I’ve got a full buffet.  And the patience to wait a day for those oh so precious television shows that fuel American culture.  Writing an article bemoaning the problems of DVR boxes without indicating a great solution (and a readership blind to the folly of complaining over missed Community jokes, blech) is a road to nowhere.

Before I wrap this up, who even comes close to being a contemporary of Bob Ross?  I’m drawing a blank. We could use a few more people like Bob, painters or not.

One of his favorite quotes was, “We don’t make mistakes, we just have happy accidents.”  Maybe an article dedicated to lambasting DVR’s was a happy accident, but it sure seems like a mistake.

Spinning wheels without going anywhere….well, that’s what cryptojournalism is for!

A Cryptojournalism Rundown: Candy, Culture Coaching and Some More Tidbits

Posted in Cryptojournalism, Media Farce with tags , , , , , , on February 24, 2011 by The Cryptojournalist

I have a few things I’d like to talk about today.  But nothing overarching, just a few hits of cryptojournalism to give you your fix.

Remember the Deepwater Horizon blast?  Of course you don’t.  That was, like, two seasons ago.  Although it’s fallen out of the shallow, shallow news cycle, the event could be called ongoing.  A couple of recent articles highlight how crytpojournalism, especially when reading anything related to the action of the Federal Government, proves to be a pretty handy tool.  Just like me.

I’d like to talk about two articles in particular, to try and show you how people play games to fuck other people over.  We’ll begin with an article from The Louisiana Weekly, where the question at hand is, ‘Has the cleanup been as thorough as necessary?’

One passage especially sort of jumped out at me, but not for the reasons you’d imagine.  Let’s take a look and see what I mean.

The recent, federal report said that further beach cleanups, beyond established and already-achieved standards, would most likely threaten fish and wildlife. Cleanup guidelines exist to strike a scientifically supported balance between “enough” and “too much” cleanup, the report said. Continued cleaning could result in an increasingly, negative impact to habitats as more and more effort is directed to removing less oil. Research was based on collected samples and laboratory analysis, environmental models and a review of existing literature.

Two aspects of this clip are important, at least for this point being made: this comes from a federal report, and research was (at least partly based) on existing literature.

Contrast that facet of the previous story to this piece from ABC News.  Discussing the possibility of future lawsuits against the various parties involved in the April 20 tragedy, Circus Clown Attorney General Eric Holder drops a truth nugget on us.

“This is an ongoing process,” Holder said.

Do you see it?  The inherent contradiction pulled out of just two recent articles on the BP oil spill?  If the judicial process (and I would dare say the entire fiasco) is an ongoing process, how in the world can you base ANYTHING on existing literature?

But Drew, you may wonder, isn’t that taking things way out of context?  Is it?  With a dearth of real information coming out of the Gulf of Mexico, all we’ve got to trust is the good word of the Federal Government.

Before I get too far ahead of myself, have I mentioned the need I feel for someone to create a sarcasm font?  That last sentence above would really pop, really zing if it were done in sarcasm font.  Alas, no such font exists.  Moving right along.

If Mr. Holder’s assertion on the legal issues of the mess hold true in the real world, using existing literature is a joke.  Nothing on this scale has happened.  Ever. Considering the very recent news about dead baby dolphins washing ashore, it’s safe to say a lot of what we’re grappling with in the aftermath (going on 11 months) has no existing literature to back it up.

Weasley games like that, where some vague historical precedent is sought to ensure the quality of the cleanup when there is no precedent, is practically a love letter to cryptojournalists around the world.  I’m blushing.


For some more lighthearted fare, let me take you on a trip.  It’s to the candy aisle of the supermarket.  Doing some grocery shopping, a bag of M&M’s Pretzels caught my eye.  And triggered memories of the filthiest commercial ever.

I wasn’t sure if my instincts were playing games with me.  So I typed “m&m’s pretzel rape allusion” into a search engine.  Lo and behold, I actually found two websites making the same claim I’m laying down right here (you can find them here and here).  Which got me wondering, “Ummm, what the fuck!?!?!!!”


Statutory Rape

How did that get in there?  Rape being one of the most traumatic events a person can undergo, looks like the Orange M&M has repressed his trip to the lab.  I know, I know.  Gross, but sort of funny.

It isn’t funny.  Forget about connotations about brand loyalty or other advertising buzz words.  I’m still trying to grasp why a candy company, whose target audience is normally, well trick-or-treaters, would allude to a pretzel raping an M&M.  It makes less than no sense, unless BBDO, the ad agency responsible for the spot, also plans on promoting M&M’s anal lube.

Me?  I think it’s a measure of inoculation.  Toward what end, I do not know.  But it’s too obvious for the subplot of rape to not be part of the marketing for M&M’s Pretzels.  On a quick parting note, if you want to understand why people hate advertising, advertisers and their ilk, read the comments section from the link above.  Anyone who’d characterize that commercial as funny (or anything in that vein) is what Stan Valchek would call a shitbird.


You would eat a raping candy, shitbird

Assuming half the commenters from the article have college degrees.  Do you know how much simply reading someone expressing their affinity for the humor in a commercial of a pretzel prepping to rape a piece of chocolate diminishes MY college education?  More than I’d like to admit.


The Drudge Report linked to another example of true life journalism the other day (man, I really need that sarcasm font, stat), one which really helped me put things into perspective.

The wife of a megachurch pastor, Tammy Hotsenpiller, apparently has a lackey reporter from a CNN blog in her back pocket, for this piece of air to actually reach url’s across the globe.

Forget the droll premise, or the sunshiney idea of people eating together in peace and harmony.  You could completely bypass this negation of news, but there’s actually a fun phrase I’d like to hijack from Ms. Hotsenpiller.

She boasts of being a culture coach.  I’ll wait.  Catch your breath.  I know, I know.  A culture coach?  It turns out, I’ve been a culture coach for years.  I just thought I ws acting like a condescending prick.  Like, when my buddy was still wearing his New York Giants #17 Plaxico Burress this season, I said, “Dude, you need a Hakeem Nicks jersey.”


Only diehard Giant fans sport #17

Who knew I was acting as a culture coach, and not simply ribbing my friend for wearing the jersey of an all-time numb skull?  ‘Culture coach’ rates somewhere between ‘beggar with funny sign’ and Scientology PR representative on the relative scale of bullshit.  CNN is doing the job for cryptojournalists everywhere (which, well, is me) by presenting farce as information.  Thanks, CNN.


Now onto something that at least has some meat to it: New York City’s upcoming outdoor smoking ban.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, a thought crime!

If you’re unacquainted with the new ‘law’ well it’s a damn joke.  Police will not be seeking out people smoking illegally in parks or at beaches.  As the Yahoo! article points out, “Police will not enforce the ban.”  So who will?

As Evan Mantyk from The Epoch Times points out, this thought crime appears to be a snitches’ dream.  You can finally get back at that bitch Andrea from HR.  Follow her to the park and catch her red handed in the act……of smoking!

If you interpret the new law as some way towards improving public health and the environment, think again. It’s a divisive measure, meant to foster mistrust and suspicious eyes at least as much as it is to improve public health.

My father, when he was alive, lived the last years of his life in Manhattan.  As a lifelong fisherman and a smoker, he made a keen point to me when the smoking ban first went into effect.

“All these smokers, forced to go outside to smoke.  Where do they think the cigarette butts go?  Right down the gutter, into the sewers.”  He wasn’t a scientist.  No, he was a man who enjoyed taking the subway out to Sheepshead Bay for some peace and quiet as he fished.

The net effect of these sort of bans is to merely displace the ‘pollution’ of cigarettes.  Couple it with the “sic ’em” effect of pitting citizen against citizen, and the new smoking ban looks like nothing but a rhetorical trick.  Manhattan is an American city where you can get away with smoking a blunt while you’re walking down the street, but now people are being trained to look suspiciously at regular smokers, framing them as potential scofflaws of the law.

Does it make sense?  As much as a pretzel raping an M&M to synthesize a new candy line does.

Like most of these entries, I just hope you begin to look at the why behind things.  Why use rape as an advertising mechanism?  Why ban smoking outdoors?  Why would someone become a culture coach?

I don’t know.  But at least I know I don’t know.  As the 2nd of the 3 Wise Men told Baby Jesus, “Think, and ye shall receive.”

The 24-Hour News Cycle Has Finally Killed News

Posted in Media Farce with tags , , , on February 19, 2011 by The Cryptojournalist

As the world progresses technologically, we’re seeing the pace of life and especially information created accelerating.  You would think a constant news cycle would be a positive.  ‘Cause, you know, there’s always news happening somewhere.  Right?

Apparently not.  While protest rip across at least half a dozen Muslim countries, the biggest news THIS ENTIRE WEEK has been Serene Branson.  Poor Serene, her life has been anything but since her now infamous Southern Baptist style speaking-in-tongues episode from the Grammy telecast on Sunday.  And no, I’m not linking you to ANY edit of it.  Although they’re hilarious.  That’s not the point.

Sunday.  Today is Saturday, and I’m now compelled to take the matter to task.  Why?  Friday, The Early Show on CBS ‘scored’ an interview with the distressed reporter, a whole five days after the fact.  I’m looking squarely in the face of the premise of the ’24-hour news cycle’ as culprit for this travesty of public justice.

Why in the good name of Ozzie Canseco does this story stick around?  Easy.  It’s funny.  People naturally enjoy laughing at the mishaps and misfortunes, on a mild scale, of others.

The sports equivalent of the Serene Branson story

Of course, being thin on substance but full of anecdotes, this reminds me of a time in college.  Three buddies of mine from home came to visit the weekend in Boston.  Saturday afternoon, after lunch but before Round 2 of drinking, we were killing time.  My boy JP, the comic genius he is, had some Krazy Glue in his utility belt.

A few quarters glued on the walkway in front of my dorm later, we were in comic heaven.  No shit, a girl with headphones on stops mid-stride, right in front of the 25 cent piece, and exclaims, “Oooh, change!”

Reading it does the scene no justice.  The four of us lose our shit, and this girl notices us laughing, glares and calls us ‘jerks’ and huffs off.  No harm, no foul play, as they say in baseball and the homicide department.  Like Ms. Branson’s unfortunate episode, “Oooh, change!’ didn’t really hurt anyone.  Embarrassed feelings pass with time.  So does the, to sound as pretentious and wordy as possible, informational bedrock of thought provoking, meaningful dialogue.

At least that’s how the Serene Branson story is playing out.  The mighty Ivory Tower, the Fourth Estate, the gallant gatekeepers of information, are truly fucking the pooch casting this sort of drivel as news.  It’s also proof and evidence of how the 24-hour news cycle has brought about the demise of actual news reporting and journalism.  First it was, “What hapened?’  Then it was, “It wasn’t a stroke?  That.  Is.  HILARIOUS.”  Next was the media reaction.  Blech.  THEN it was, “It’s only migraines!”  Followed by, “Serene is troubled.  Poor, poor girl.”  Those are all essentially recaps of the daily infotainment drip on this story.

Does ANY of that quantify as news worthy?

The 24-hour news cycle is constantly playing catch-up.  They’re naturally in reaction mode.  Here is the tangible difference between perpetual reporting and, to sound as trite as possible, ‘doing journalism’: one is offensive, in the sports sense of the word, while one is defensive and reactive.    If a fictional news agency only follows what happens, how much do they fail to cover?

A lot, really.  Real news, the kind that J-school professors like to spout flowery prose about, takes time.  It’s following leads and hunches, not the hot trends on Twitter and what the competition is covering.  Unfortunately, there’s not much recourse.  After the axiom ‘mustard is a good diet food…’s got zero calories!’, the only other thing I really learned about in graduate school was about the AP Daybook.

I can’t link you up, and you aren’t allowed to see it, because it’s really the mechanism by which the Associated Press scores their news.  Cities around the nation have a list of daily events….unveilings, ribbon cuttings, Q&A sessions, celebrity appearances and political theater are all listed, by time, for reporters from said city.

It is literally the only worthwhile feature of the AP.  The one they keep to themselves.  If you’ve got access, it’s fantastic.  but be serious.  Of all seven of you reading this now, do any of you even know anyone who knows someone with the status to be tapped into the Daybook?

Rhetorical questions aside, why hasn’t the Associated Press taken steps to open up the Daybook to ordinary citizens?  In this era of diffused information and numerous platforms for conveying information, isn’t it in everyone’s best interest to at least have the choice to pursue real issues and topics, gate keepers be damned?  Shoddy handling of the airwaves, the punchline being the last week’s obsession with LITERALLY NOTHING!  A pretty woman spazzing out!  Best way I can figure to improve the quality of news is increase the availability of Daybooks across the nation to people who want to be engaged, rather then strictly keeping it to people who are paid to be engaged.  Y’see, I added italics for effect.

Effect.  That’s about all the 24-hour news cycle strives for.  News used to inform, instead of make you feel something.  Weird, huh?  That’s before slow death, via the 24-hour news cycle.  Who knew when I was watching O.J. and A.C. in that White Bronco (inconveniently butting into the Knicks/Rockets NBA Finals telecast) it was the first of a thousand little cuts, bleeding out a vital organ of information.



The Validity of Numbers

Posted in Cryptojournalism, Media Farce with tags , on December 6, 2010 by The Cryptojournalist

Last week, The Washington Post published an article about where the Fed bailout money went in 2008-09.  Anyone shocked by lying by omission from the Federal Reserve probably should not be reading this blog.  Who does, tho?

I’ve got one point to make, then you can get back to e-shopping for Christmas gifts.  It concerns an interesting way to twist information.  Look at this blurb, about halfway down the first page.

The Fed launched emergency programs totaling $3.3 trillion in aid, a figure reached by adding up the peak amount of lending in each program.

(Cue screetching record on turntable)

Say WHAT??!?!?

Wait a tic.  In a report about HOW MUCH THE FEDERAL RESERVE DECEIVED, we find some concocted number, representing, “the peak amount of lending in each program”?  This is cryptojournalism 101.  A made-up number, lying in plain sight, used to quantify some past indiscretion while hiding the true cost.

Read between the lines.  Simply put, the peak amount is not the total amount.  You’re being gamed for unknown reasons by the Post and the Fed.  If you believe that $3.3 Trillion number, then Ponch has something which should interest any savvy real estate speculator in the Arkansas and Texarkana region.

My guess?  The amount the Fed loaned is upwards of $10 Trillion.  If we ever get an honest answer.  All in all, it makes me wonder, to what end do these sort of fiscal obfuscations aid and assist the Fed, whatever it’s doing?

James O’Keefe Knows Who Runs The Media

Posted in Cryptojournalism, Media Farce with tags , , , , on October 3, 2010 by The Cryptojournalist

Ok, I can imagine what you’re thinking.  This is some setup to further pile on Rick Sanchez.  C’mon now, look at the dude, does the guy really need that?

It hurts. It's painful. But no one's dead

No need to decrypt anything from his firing.  He called down the thunder.  He got it alright.  But you like that, right?  Thunder imagery after a shot where this poor schmuck gets hit with a taser.  That’s two college degrees at work.  All I wonder is, what to do with Rick’s poor, maligned Twitter account?  It has CNN in the name, he’s totally boned.  Where will his dozens of fans and partisans gather around?  9 meters in English is?  Dark times, indeed.

That’s not the fact of the matter.  If you haven’t had the good fortune of hearing about this doozy, you’re in for a treat.  Remember when those ‘young conservative activists’ from Project Veritas went to ACORN offices around the country posed as pimps and ho’s?  Well they’re back, and this week, they provide a great study of cryptojournalism.  Seems they’ve attempted to prank a CNN reporter.

Concerning journalism, there might be a story.  If there is, CNN should not be reporting on it.  Objectivity, right?  They should have tossed this whole mess off to a newspaper or a foreign news outlet such as Reuters.  It’s only really a story thanks to the use of dildos and the undercutting of the ACORN story (how in the world can these people be believed?), because nothing really happened.  This little smear campaign never took off.  Rather, the whole story makes the Atlanta organization look completely moronic.  They clearly would have fallen to this ploy were it not for Izzy Santa, an executive director from Project Veritas.  Ms. Santa intercepted Abbie Boudreau literally walking into this escapade.  The headline should read, “CNN dumb enough to send reporters anywhere,” instead of “Fake pimp from ACORN videos tries to ‘punk’ CNN correspondent.”

How are things actually devolving to these kind of antics?  The function of the news has veered so far off course, rather than gathering information, checking facts and reporting, we’re subjected to Cape Fear with vibrators?  So is there an answer to how and why things are just so damn zany?  Of course there is.  Wouldn’t be an article if there weren’t.

The plan appears to have been a biting satire on the issue of, wow, um, that’s tricky.  See, he frames things within the context of ‘big lies’ and is the type to conduct operations, to use conspiracy lingo.  The Devil is always in the details, so let’s begin sifting through some of the tastier tidbits of cryptojournalism, or as the layman call them, clues.  Here’s the link to CNN’s partial release of the document.  Great reading, but avoid consumption if you’re on any sort of research chemicals.  Not surprisingly, we actually find a couple of clues in this weird, borderline insane ‘operation.’  Always be wary whenever an operation is outside hospital walls.  Sure fire recipe for disaster.

Delving into the planning document from O’Keefe and his cocktail weenie compadres, let’s jump in head first.  Please keep in mind I am not taking these pieces in chronological order.

The joke is that the tables have turned on CNN.  Using hot blondes to seduce inverviewees to get screwed on television, you are faux seducing her in order to screw her on television.

Wow.  Instead, Project Veritas is getting fucked on the internet for free.  Welcome to porn valley, boys.  I guess the author, Ben Wetmore, takes umbrage with cable news choosing to employ pretty women.  I wholeheartedly disagree.  Yes, I know how bigoted and sexist this is, but I’m only going to watch CBS2 News if Kristine Johnson is on air, at the 5 p.m. hour.


Ms. Boudreau is not this breed of talking head.  Johnson, Julie Banderas, Norah O’Donnell, they’re attractive women.  They repeat what’s given them to read.  Hence, they’re repeaters.  Not reporters, repeaters.  News reader is a less inflammatory term.

Contrary to what Wetmore and O’Keefe think, Boudreau has actually put in work (strictly in the rap sense).  She even won a Livingston Award (whatever that means) for international reporting.  I would say that beats my “Mr. Congeniality” award at the Greek Games Mixer ’01.  It actually means more than the 250k video hits on YouTube from an ACORN videos.

Little known fact that’s been lost on 21st Century reporters.  How many ‘Likes’ your story gets or how many hits is not the end all of reporting.  Quality information is lost at the expense of this cheap path to the green room.  Not even D-List.  So it goes.  Maybe that’s the first lesson gleaned from the tale of these stupid little men: seeking fame through journalism is a dicey gambit.  And at the best, you’re lucky to get in the green room.  Do most people know Matt Taibbi and Glenn Greenwald, at the top of a dwindling list of quality content writers?  They should, but I cannot say.  O’Keefe went looking for a measure of fame from being a journalist.  Bad move, guy.

Although I understand that.  There is a starfucker strain of thinking within journalism.  But that’s not the crux of this matter, only one facet.  Project Veritas gamed themselves by trying to trap a reporter in some Arkham Asylum newsroom.  Which still doesn’t make a lick of sense.  Put on your snorkels, cause we’re going to have to swim into some deep bullshit to come out the other side.

Project Veritas has been operating under the belief that CNN is working over the American public with some core ‘big lies,” which go as follows:

  1. Their general bias against conservatives
  2. Their own internal racism against whites
  3. Their potential internal racism against minorities
  4. Shoddy journalism, and low journalistic standards

Rife with contradiction and some severe paranoia.  And people on the fringe right wonder why sensible Americans think the Far Right is knee deep in crazy.  But no, I’m not even here to pitch that very easily articulated argument.  The real guts of everything you’ve ever needed to know about  Planet Earth is hidden in plain sight, right here.  Take these claims at face value.  CNN is internally racist against whites and minorities.  What does that leave?  Crab people?

Taste like crab, talk like people

Worse.  Worse than crab people?  Whatever could be worse??!!?  Zionists?  Too easy.  And come on, Rick Sanchez just got in trouble going down that road.  Plus, Zionists are a minority (they are not Jews, more a clique unto themselves), making CNN biased against them.  Unfortunately, CNN is actually run by Earth’s most insidious enemy.  Reptoids.

Did you see that?  That subtle trick, right there?  Making a wild, tangential leap from the reasoning behind the Palace of Pleasure to reptoids?  Inferring a link between these two crazy things?  Can’t take it back now, so we may as well explain this farce.  Like most reading linked from Rhyme and Reasonable, reptoids is far down the path of complete and utter lunacy.  Reminds me of  “They Live.”

If an news bureau is racists against everyone, they’ve got to be inhuman.  Reptoids, short for reptilian humanoids, are one of the more fragrant pieces of trash online.  Ties in so well with this story, doesn’t it?  A claim like this is clearly facetious, but an easy connotation is made: if you really think CNN is openly conspiring against you, you’re probably crazy.  Honestly, that leap from ‘right wing gripe’ to ‘lizard people among us’ was not too difficult.

And this doesn’t even take into any cryptojournalistic consideration point 4, noting CNN’s low journalistic standards.  Guys, they already fired Rick Sanchez.  Oh, you mean in general.

CNN is first generation corporate news.  Something people do not tend to realize or care to notice about corporate products in general: corporations strive towards the worst of the best.  They want to make a good product.  But they’ve got price considerations.  Bottom line is always more important, which Project Veritas clearly shows.  This silly seduction tactic is a lowest common denominator grab.  Lowest common denominator the corporate mantra.  O’Keefe and company are actually pandering below the low journalistic standards to which CNN supposedly adheres.  Christ, am I actually defending CNN in this instance?

Yes, yes I am.  This caper derails because of two things: a) it’s extremely stupid and juvenile.  And b) EVEN IF this had been successful, would anyone get the oblique points these chuckleheads wanted to make?  People might think of Abbie Boudreau as the Dildo Chick (hell, they may out of all this anyway), but in theory this whole escapade does nothing to forward the conservative movement.

That was the point, right?

The media has been in a frenzy for the past few years on a relatively small number of topics and subjects.

  1. Tea party racism
  2. Arizona racism
  3. Sarah Palin
  4. GOP leadership scandals

Ok.  GOP leadership scandals?  John Boehner is on the tip of America’s tongue?  It’s just silly.  Except for the fact they’ve hit the nail on the head about CNN’s reptoid overlords.  This was not supposed to turn into using this crazy operation as a punching bag, but it’s really just that.  How do you take conservative activists seriously when this list of media talking points is deaf tobank bailouts or health care in the news echo chamber?  Easy cryptojournalist prescription is this one outlet beats off to Sarah Palin’s Twitter page, fretting over the culling of the vast white herds.  We’re not here for easy.

This is actually a short list of republican weak points for the upcoming mid-term elections.  Michael Steele is a leadership scandal all to himself.  The claims are not fresh.  Over the last year, there have been a couple of loud cries for his resignation.  While going to bondage-themed nightclubs on the party’s dime might win brownie points with blue dog democrats, das est strictly verboten on the right.  Being a traitor to the conservative stance also hurts the posture of the RNC chair.  Not headline news in the news cycle.  Great example of the rhetorical gymnastics which makes politicians so reviled.  His claim on Afghanistan, “this was a war of Obama’s choosing,” continuing on by saying, “This is not something the United States had actively prosecuted or wanted to engage in.”

Amazing.  Somewhere in time, Obama hit the reset button on the Playstation3 with Call of Duty: Modern Warfare.  Bequeathing credit for the war to the Dems is actually worse than posturing he somehow does not want to engage in a lucrative theater of war.  But I must repeat, this IS NOT MAJOR NEWS.  Rod Blagojevich has been a juicier talking point.

Arizona racism?  Have you seen “Machete”?  Awesome flick.

One of many reasons to see Machete

Were these jokers smart, or journalists, instead of a PG-13 cable cut of “Revenge of the Nerds”, they would have done something smart.  Reach out to Lou Dobbs if you want to make a case CNN has some bias about border coverage.  Unless.  Now hold on a minute.  Do you think they’re covering up……about the Amero?  If CNN is really talking about what’s going on across the boarder, common sense dictates they should be vigorously covering the Amero.  Cause there is so much coverage now.  So O’Keefe and his vibrator equipped buddies must want to suppress this fake news.

North America’s version of the Euro, it is destined to be the unified currency of a North America Union.  Although if we’re heading towards a thumb/retina scan biometric cashless society, wouldn’t the Amero be useless?  Never think too hard on anything conspiracy theorists have to say.  Most don’t even know it, but they unwittingly practice cryptojournalism.

Coming to a bank near you

Back to this half baked episode of “Cheez’d” (the CSPAN4 version of Punk’d), gotta touch on Sarah Palin real quick.  [Pause for timing]  Yeah, I wish.  The point that she’s a talking point for the 24-news cycle has got to be at least medium order sarcasm.  She works for Fox News!  As this sad tale clearly presents, people within news organizations are more and more becoming fodder for the cycle.  But to be vexed that someone who works the media circuit gets media coverage?

As for Tea Party racism, racism is always a straw man.  These fearless activists are not afraid to exploit the obvious.  The Tea Party is as racist as any large group.  Meaning, there are probably some racists.  I grew up on Long Island, so I’ve got a pretty clear viewpoint on racism.  This is an area where the idea of radically segregated villages and towns holds true even today, which was subsequently exported to the rest of the United States as suburbanization.

For the uninitiated, Long Island, strictly speaking of Nassau and Suffolk counties (sorry Peconic, you don’t exist yet), the place is really fucking racist.  When I ask a local, “Tell me the dark towns,” I already know the list.

Freeport, Hempstead, Roosevelt, Uniondale, Amityville, Wyandanch, Brentwood, Central Islip and Riverhead.  Sorry for sounding coarse, but those are the places where black people are welcomed to live.  I grew up next to West Islip, often dubbed ‘White Islip’ for its total lack of color.  Long Island Index interactive maps is a great resource for this case.  It also provides us with this pearl:

West Islip is 5.9% non-white (Black, Hispanic, Asian, or multiple races) (increased 66.4% since 1990).  That’s one hell of an increase!  James Hetfield said it best in his deep baritone, “Sad but true!”

This was the system exported for general housing consumption?  OF COURSE America is a supremely racist place!  But tea party racism as a hot news topic?  It points to some sort of deluded worldview.  Young conservatives are the Rubik’s Cube of the political punditry….so tough to figure out sometimes.

Things we could use to entice them:

  1. False video evidence
  2. False textual evidence and documents
  3. False interviews

Oh, there it is.  NOW it’s all clear.  Making up fiction and presenting it in a newsly forum?  Yup, newsly is a word now too.  Sometimes you’ve gotta love the debasing theme of the times.  These guys are cryptojournalists.  Making shit up to try and prove some elusive, obscure point.  Well played, boys.  The only question left, are they trying to expose the reptoid overlords at CNN (follow the link, it’s actually very funny), or are they merely bag men for the reptoids themselves?

After Campbell Brown and now Rick Sanchez, who will the repotids devour?

My wager?  This whole story falls off the radar quick (it should).  The reptoids continue the business of news reporting, vexing the minds of America’s far-right wing.  But at all costs, avoid hair-brained schemes.  Everything has lessons to learn.  In this case, sometimes journalism is even stupider than imagined.  “I almost fell into a trap, film at 11.”

Some Games Never Get Old

Posted in Cryptojournalism, Media Farce with tags , , , , on October 1, 2010 by The Cryptojournalist

The stock market shenanigans from May 6, 2010 have reemerged.  If the 24-hour news cycle has overwhelmed you, this was the escapade where Procter & Gamble, 3M, Accenture and others lost large chunks of their stock value, to quickly rebound.  Some bluster was made about the robots of trading with their sinister stop-loss orders and other jingoistic Wall Street slang.  And while Mr. Felix makes vague allusion to it, the real nut of this story was never covered.  Not even touched upon.

Who bought all that valuable stock on the cheap?  Accenture is the most crass example.  Falling from $40.13 all the way to One Red Cent, before rebounding nicely to $39.57.  Well, this tale of absolute graft and market gaming is back in the news.  Seems we’ve got a button man, Waddell & Reed Financial Inc.  A single trade from this shop sent the market tumbling.  Big whoop.  Cui bono?  I can pull out the cryptojournalist ouija board, which has a few extra emoticons and some vague mannerisms on the board, to really trip out the uninitiated and tell you exactly how this will play out.

Some mild critique of how business is transacted.  A few weak shit suggestions.  The 24-hour news cycle rumbles on, up next with footage of the Brown family from TLC’s new hit series, Sister Wives.

TOTALLY missing the point of what took place.  Sure, there’s a hole to plug in electronic trading.  Get cracking.  More importantly, an enormous transfer of wealth took place under stealth.  This story has been floating in time for almost two centuries.  Yeah, that’s right.  I’m taking it there.  All the way back to Waterloo.

If the New York Times is reporting on it 98 years ago, this ain’t new news.  It IS most pertinent, because it’s essentially the same tale.  Exploiting communication flaws in the system to personal gain.  When Nathan Rothschild gamed the London Stock Exchange, burning share holders by selling stocks, prompting a panic, then buying low, he wrote the script for countless Hollywood movies.  It was the blueprint for graft.  Inside information is worth its weight in gold.  REAL gold, not that gold plated tungsten garbage floating around the globe.

I've seen this somewhere else......

THIS is exactly why more and more people tune out of the news in general.  This is a real story, big time shenanigans.  Not cheeky and fun shenanigans.  No, we’re talking about evil shenanigans.

Reporting on an enormous stock heist while tiptoeing around the nut of the matter is silly.  While it’s fun to joke and jest, reminisce about how funny Super Troopers is, the same game is being played.  Moments like this make me wish it really were a conspiracy, rather than a large mass of people to blind to see whats going on right in front of them.  It would be like reporting on a solar eclipse without making mention of the sun.  The transaction itself is the story.  Who got in on the cheap?  That’s always been the question, now I’d like to see some answers.  Till then, keep your eyes on the ball, with your hands to the sky.  Now bend over to the front, touch your toes!

Lil Jon? YEAHH!!! Where were you May 6? WHAT!!?!?!?

More Birds In The Trees

Posted in Media Farce with tags , , , on September 23, 2010 by The Cryptojournalist

In my professional opinion (hey, I’ve earned a Doctorate of Sophistry from Eton), Christine O’Donnell is a proto-typical example of media farce.  She’s gotten a lot of run, and its really the most base reason: she’s an attractive women.  Her backstory has all the subliminal cues one could ask, making her the perfect ploy to once again keep people generally uninformed.  Let me take you back to my college days.

One of my buddies was a literal fountain of insight and knowledge concerning the fairer sex.  Poor boy could never really follow his own advice tho.  Here are a couple of pearls of knowledge he imparted on me:

  • Don’t date a girl you screw the first night.  So true fellas, this is potentially a recipe for disaster.
  • Tomboys are usually sluts.  Harsh language.  But there’s a kernel of truth to it….think of it as a numbers game.  More time with guys leads to more time with guys.
  • And, the tidbit applicable to this topic…..teenage girls into wicca and witchcraft tend to be freaky.  Touche.

As you can see, all of the above statements come with major qualifiers (potentially, usually and tend) because I’m not posturing like this is the truth.  This is cryptojournalism.  Speculation based on farce.  But run with it.

Here, use your imagination.

2nd from the left is running for mayor of Delaware

Give anyone the endpoint, they can reverse engineer a way to reach it.  The idea of sexy witches has been around since Salem, so unless you want this to be an anthropology blog, I’m confident you can find corroborating evidence.  Please do.  Comment on it.  Hey, if you’re of the viewpoint this is chauvinistic, feel free to bring up why.  Discord is good, nurturing fresh viewpoints.

None of this has anything to do with the race for mayor of Delaware the Delaware Senate seat.  That’s exactly my point.  Can anyone reading this tell me specific platforms of either nominee from the First State?  Of course not.  Why would being informed on candidates be of any value?  We’ve got a sexy witch!

Don't ask what she did to enter the coven

Alright, that was unnecessary.  So is this whole vein of political discourse.  Are we really taking our cues from Bill Maher?  Hey, that works for me, cause it means I might actually have half a shot of making it!  He’s a comedian by trade.  I love comedy.  Even today, you can still find some real high order sarcasm and satire if you’re looking for it.  A comic setting the tone for dialogue on a senate race is not illuminating (in the Luciferian worship sense of the word).  That does not jive with me!

Here’s the video, in case you’re too lazy to find it yourself.  I am.

It’s light, slightly provocative, and really obscures the fact there could be major turnover in DC this fall.  Instead of even attempting to foster an informed discussion on how to fix the plethora of problems we’re facing politically and socially, we’re rehashing sorority tales of witches in thigh highs.

Regrettably, this story actually dovetails with the ‘psy-op’ that Ines Sainz took part in at Jets camp.  Cute use of a fake word, no?  Filler with pretty women as some sort of martyr/instigator (depending on the tint of your shades) leading to a great bluster of words that brings us nowhere.  Ms. O’Donnell might actually be working the grime angle, if the report of her using campaign funds for rent are legitimate.  This will inevitably come to light.  Not until America’s semi over the Delaware Doll goes soft.

Don’t expect a vigilant discourse.  We’re talking the media.  Even the sophisticated foreign press is running with this farce.  OK, just kidding.  It’s from the Daily Mail.  The bug-eye screen shot is vaguely amusing.  But don’t buy it.  Sure, I’ve spent a few minutes pondering the merit and validity of this caliber of news.  Don’t waste yours.

See it for what it is and respond in an appropriate manner.  Disregard it.  Take the high road.  Or my favorite, like Moral Orel, turn the other cheek.

Is there anything cartoons can’t explain?  Only why a smokescreen passes as news.  Remember, cui bono?  To whose benefit?  A story swirling around dozen year old allusions to some vague practice of witchcraft?  Methinks the Halloween marketers will have Sexy Wiccan Christine costumes ready in about a week.  Cui bono?  Nobody relevant.


Something which I did not realize upon first publish has just come to my attention.  Perusing CQ Politics, my curiosity brought me to the Delaware 2010 Election Guide.  Maybe this is common knowledge in the town of Delaware, but to me (and I’d assume a large swath of Americans) this is new……Ms. O’Donnell got smoked in 2008 running against the Silver Falcon, Joe Biden.

Where was all this outlandish footage in ’08?  The fall season holiday economy wasn’t as bad, and the costume lobby didn’t feel the need to exert its ample sway on Capitol Hill.  Know a ploy when you see a ploy.  Always watch out for the costume lobby.  They play dirty.