Archive for Jon Huntsman

McMahon/Huntsman 2012

Posted in Cryptojournalism, politics with tags , on January 18, 2012 by The Cryptojournalist

Before I get too far ahead, I need to make a correction from my last blog.  I claimed Russell Simmons was not getting his due within the Occupy movement.  Well…..this is way after the fact, but allow me to tell you about Occupy Central Park.  You missed it?  Of course you did, because it seems to have never taken off.

Coincidentally, I met someone on the working committee for this event.  It was supposed to be a music festival, so I referred her to a couple of musical acts I know, including resolution15.  Things seemed to be moving forward, until Mr. Simmons stepped in.

The occupiers were getting nowhere regarding obtaining the permits for the event.  So Russell steps in, gets the permits, and that’s the last anyone heard of Occupy Central Park.  The guys from resolution15 explained that Simmons nixed all the acts booked till then for his own musicians, which does not embody the spirit of the movement.  Some would call it a co-opting or undermining.  Bad look, Russell.  Now that we’ve got that out of the way, onto more current topics.

Last week Salon ran an article on James O’Keefe and his attempt at voter fraud.  Alex Pareene wrote up this embarrassing farce of an article.  Here’s a direct quote, one of the most absurd statements I’ve seen in a long time:

There is nothing remotely resembling coordinated voter fraud, carried out with the intention of stealing an election, taking place anywhere in the United States.

Mr. Pareene, you foolish schmuck, you must not have been paying attention over the last decade.  This guy, posing as a journalist, is lying.  This dupe must have arrived on this planet in 2005, since he missed, oh, the top down voter fraud suspected in the 2004 Presidential elections.  He’s also never heard of Diebold.  Additional links covering the voter fraud of the 2004 election are here and here.  If you’re a more visual learner, as many are, watch this video of testimony from Clinton Eugene Curtis, speaking to congress about computer voter rigging.

Alex Pareene is either stupid or lying.  Or both.  He seems to believe voter fraud is a bottom up, local problem.  Where are the editors, to nix this sort of deceptive trash in the bud?

Now, onto what I’d really like to discuss: the bland options in the Republican field for president.  Bland is too kind a word.  Shitty would be more appropriate.  The 2012 presidential campaign is shaping up to be one of the worst in recent time.

Normal people don’t really care about politics; they’re too smart to care about a rigged game.  I’ve even heard politics likened to pro wrestling.  Faces and heels, clobbering each other on screen, back slapping and partying backstage…that’s Washington.

Why not give America what it wants: a really good heel.  Not a Willard Romney.  There’s only one man who could pique the interest of the American voter, and his business record is at least as impressive as Mitt’s: Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

Vinny Mac.  Mr. McMahon.  Yup, the guy from the World Wrestling Federation (err, from World Wrestling Entertainment).  The man turned a regional wrestling promotion into a publicly traded company worth over $700 million.  That’s at least as impressive as Mitt Romney’s work at Bain Capital.

Your CEO in Chief

But it gets better.  He likes firing people at least as much as Mitt.  Maybe more.  In fact, if you type “You’re Fired” into YouTube, Vinny Mac pops up BEFORE Donald Trump.

See what I mean?  Romney wishes he had that sort of zest.

And unlike Romney, McMahon is rather upfront about his finances.  His $400 million windfall last year from a bump in WWE stock was reported in Forbes.  Mitt has bent backwards to not disclose his finances.

Back in the ’90s, he even led a stable dubbed The Corporation.  The Republican base would drool over this man.  And his running mate?

Well, why do you think Jon Huntsman dropped out of the race?  He’s got presidential hair, but that’s about it.

That's a great coiffe of hair

Well, he’s got attractive daughters too.  Look, it’s just a fact: Jon Huntsman’s daughters are pretty.  This is the sort of stuff a promoter like Vince McMahon can exploit.  Did I say exploit?  I meant utilize, totally meant utilize.

Four of the best reasons anyone would have to support Jon Huntsman

A successful businessman with a penchant for firing people?  The Republican party is trotting out the wrong candidate.  If they really wanted a win in November, they’d go with a ticket of McMahon/Huntsman.  I could already see the McMahon announcement.

Rick Santorum is prattling on about condoms or sodomy or whatever talking point he’s on today, then “THWAK!”  Chairshot!  Standing over Santorum’s writhing body, ripping his shirt off and flexing his muscles, the next best candidate for President: Vince McMahon.

No chance, that's what you've got

Because Lambasting the Tea Party Debate is What You Expect From a Cryptojournalist

Posted in Cryptojournalism, Media Farce, politics with tags , , , , , on September 13, 2011 by The Cryptojournalist

If you missed CNN’s Tea Party Express Republican Debate last night, good for you.  Hopefully you watched Tom Brady eviscerate the Dolphins and Wes Welker cause Miami fans to drink heavily.

That’s why I’m here.  Why be informed when you can read cryptojournalism?  Seriously though, there were a couple of gems to be plucked from this snooze fest, so let’s put our ankles in it!

Just like every news bureau, I’m going to start with hunky Rick Perry.  What a dope.  And I mean that in the kindest way possible.  What I gleamed from last night was the man prefers a loose interpretation of the US Constitution and is a high priced call girl.

First, his man whorish ways.  He revealed a little more than I expected in a tit for tat with Michele Bachmann over his mandating HPV vaccines for Texas high school girls.  From the transcript:

BACHMANN:  What I’m saying is that it’s wrong for a drug company, because the governor’s former chief of staff was the chief lobbyist for this drug company.  The drug company gave thousands of dollars in political donations to the governor, and this is just flat-out wrong.

The question is, is it about life, or was it about millions of dollars and potentially billions for a drug company?

BLITZER:  All right.  I’ll let Senator Santorum hold off for a second.

You’ve got to response to that.

PERRY:  Yes, sir.  The company was Merck, and it was a $5,000 contribution that I had received from them.  I raise about $30 million.

And if you’re saying that I can be bought for $5,000, I’m offended.

Hilarious.  If you’re trying to buy off Rick Perry, you better bring six figures, capiche?  Here’s where I throw in the obligatory make it rain image.

Lil Wayne & Fat Joe could do business with Perry, no doubt

Ahhhh, much better.  Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, did you see what Rick Perry did in that back and forth?  It wasn’t disavowing corruption.  No, he’s ‘offended’ by a paltry sum like $5,000.  Interesting, Rick, very interesting.

Then there’s his, shall I say feeble understanding of the Constitution.  Specifically, Article IV, Section 4.  First, here’s a Perryism, something that can only exist in his mind and the minds of other vulnerable adults.  [<—Did you see that?  You should boo, folks]  Back to the debate transcript:

…the federal government has to step up and do what their constitutional duty is, and that is to secure the border with Mexico .

Uh, but Rick.  That’s not what the Constitution says at all.  Bear in mind this is an argument between Rick Santorum and Perry over immigration.  Not the drug war, where the cartel has too free a reign.  Here’s what it says regarding borders:

The United States shall guarantee to every State in this Union a Republican Form of Government, and shall protect each of them against Invasion; and on Application of the Legislature, or of the Executive (when the Legislature cannot be convened), against domestic Violence.

NOW….If you believe the various illegals crossing the border comprise an invasion force, you’re probably a fan favorite at a Tea Party Debate.  Thank you folks, I’ll be here all week.

Were he posing a rhetorical argument for tight borders due to drug violence, that may be more persuasive.  Pandering to bigotry and misconstruing foreign workers crossing the border illegally as some sort of invasion is wild.  Rick Perry might just be a cryptojournalist, the way he twisted Article. IV.  Impressive stuff, really.

But what’s REAL funny is how it contradicts his posture as a small government Republican.  Except when he’s not.

And now, for a short programming interlude.  During commercial breaks on the webcast, CNN ran hysterical Twits from Twitter and online questions.  So without further ado, here’s your winner for Most Ironic Internet Question from CNN’s 2011 Tea Party Express Republican Debate:

By abolishing the Tea Party

Moving on to one of those Tea Partiers known for creating a bipartisan environment to help move the country forward….Michele Bachmann!

For a bright woman (she’s a tax lawyer!), she sure doesn’t get it.  Whatever it is.  And in this case, it’s surprisingly the American way.  I know, right?  Let’s dip into the debate one more time (emphasis added):

…I think that the American way is not to give taxpayer subsidized benefits to people who have broken our laws or who are here in the United States illegally.  That is not the American way.

*cough* Goldman Sachs *cough*

I guess that means every financial device of the last decade is totally above board.  My fucking ass.  I found at least one outcast voice in the wild from 2008 willing to label a bailout as a subsidy.  Thank you, Gary North.  In reality, the American way is to give taxpayer subsidized benefits (in this case, money from the Federal Reserve discount window) to people who have broken our laws.

Whoops, I forgot.  Nobody’s been prosecuted from any of the fiscal fiascoes of the last few years.  Scratch that last paragraph, K?  As a nation, the United States most definitely does not aid and assist lawbreakers.  Never, ever.  Never.

Alright, and we’re back with more insane internet questions from the webcast.  Here’s the winner for Most Contradictory Internet Question from CNN’s 2011 Tea Party Express Republican Debate, brought to you by Carl’s Jr:

The only way to force another country to do something is by force

I didn’t have to throw in the ExxonMobil logo, but did.  It’s like a “Fuck You” to sensible voters nationwide.  The question itself is hilarious, almost unhinged.  The most practical way to force a country to build its own military is to attack.  Which isn’t going to bring troops home.  Moving right along…..

Sorry, Mitt Romney.  You were too damn boring to even garner mention.  But while his name is lingering in cyberspace right there, like a stale fart, let me state this as clearly and bigoted as possible.  America will never vote for a Mormon Businessman who founded a private equity firm *cough* Bain Capital *cough* as President of the United States.  People equate Mormons to Scientologists, and Scientology is literally the worst organization on Earth.  Just putting it out there.

Then there’s Ron Paul.  When Yahoo! is reporting how you elicit cheers for inadvertently endorsing letting uninsured people die in the name of freedom, things aren’t going great.  Poor Ron Paul.  Here’s the video of the incident, see how he’s baited into this weird death angle.

On the bright side, at least he’s not Jon Huntsman.  Sad sack Jon Huntsman couldn’t even get his zinger right.  Even worse, it’s being reported in America’s newspaper, USA Today.  Yikes.  From the article:

Huntsman mocked the plan Romney put forth in his book, No Apology. “I don’t know if that was written by Kurt Cobain or not,” said the former Utah governor, in what’s been interpreted as an allusion to the Nirvana song All Apologies.

When the legitimate news has to interpret an allusion, normally a valuable asset in the toolbox of the cryptojournalist, you’re fubared.  Nice try tho, buddy.

Before we begin wrapping this up, we’ve got one more internet question award to hand out.  This is our winner of the Education Question Which Most Illuminates Our Need For Education from CNN’s 2011 Tea Party Express Republican Debate:

Me fail English? That's unpossible!

Whoever the editor is that found an education question missing ‘an’ indefinite article, kudos.  That made my day.

My last thought on the debate: Herman Cain is a pretty funny dude.  Which brings about a major problem.  Now that Bernie Mac is gone, who’s going to play Mr. Cain in the 2013 HBO movie about the 2011-12 Republican nomination (tentatively called Dumpster Fire)?

"Herman Cain"

Spread your wings and flyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!

I mean, I’ve got Adam Scott (with some silver highlights) as Jon Huntsman, which fits perfectly.

"Jon Huntsman"

Do I have Nirvana on my iPod? I don't even know myself

Rick Perry is too easy to cast.  Just get that guy who plays Texas Governors, what’s his face?

"Rick Perry"

Up your ass, Liberals

Look, it’s not my fault Josh Brolin looks like he was minted to be Governor of Texas.  These things just happen sometimes.

Slick Rick Santorum?  None other than famed comedian Harland Williams a.k.a. Kenny from Half Baked.

"Rick Santorum"


Since this is an HBO joint, I’d imagine they’ve still got the Crypt Keeper lying around in some warehouse.  Perfect casting for Ron Paul.

"Ron Paul"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Tales from the Congress

Now I’ve hit an impasse with Ms. Bachmann.  If I really want to feed into the Old White Guy sexual fetishizing  of Michele Bachmann, you cast Kim Cattrall.  If you simply want to be mean, go with Mary-Louise Parker.  Bachmann would pitch a fit if the lady from Weeds portrayed her in anything.

Although if we were trying to capture that, how to put it….hmmmm……crazy eye look Michele’s got locked down, apparently Ramona Singer (whoever that is) has it on lockdown.  Supposedly she’s a Real Housewife, and by the looks of it, from Crazy Town.

Seriously, if you type ‘crazy eyes’ and search Google images, it’s Bachmann and Singer and nobody else of note.  They’re the Queen and Princess of the Kingdom of Insane Optics.

The myriad faces of Ramona Singer. All crazy

If you have not figured it out by now, the movie is being cast as a comedy.

"Michele Bachmann"

Or is she "Michele Bachmann"?

It took a lot for me to not post her eating a corn dog

I’ve still got some casting to do, but that’s shaping up to be an all star comedy cast.  HBO, I hope you’re pilfering my idea right now.

So that’s a wrap.  If you missed the debate, good for you.  Dumpster fire is too kind a phrase to describe the whole scene.  I hope this provides some color and accent (not necessarily news and information) for you about the most recent debate.  Till then…..