Archive for Michele Bachmann

Because Lambasting the Tea Party Debate is What You Expect From a Cryptojournalist

Posted in Cryptojournalism, Media Farce, politics with tags , , , , , on September 13, 2011 by The Cryptojournalist

If you missed CNN’s Tea Party Express Republican Debate last night, good for you.  Hopefully you watched Tom Brady eviscerate the Dolphins and Wes Welker cause Miami fans to drink heavily.

That’s why I’m here.  Why be informed when you can read cryptojournalism?  Seriously though, there were a couple of gems to be plucked from this snooze fest, so let’s put our ankles in it!

Just like every news bureau, I’m going to start with hunky Rick Perry.  What a dope.  And I mean that in the kindest way possible.  What I gleamed from last night was the man prefers a loose interpretation of the US Constitution and is a high priced call girl.

First, his man whorish ways.  He revealed a little more than I expected in a tit for tat with Michele Bachmann over his mandating HPV vaccines for Texas high school girls.  From the transcript:

BACHMANN:  What I’m saying is that it’s wrong for a drug company, because the governor’s former chief of staff was the chief lobbyist for this drug company.  The drug company gave thousands of dollars in political donations to the governor, and this is just flat-out wrong.

The question is, is it about life, or was it about millions of dollars and potentially billions for a drug company?

BLITZER:  All right.  I’ll let Senator Santorum hold off for a second.

You’ve got to response to that.

PERRY:  Yes, sir.  The company was Merck, and it was a $5,000 contribution that I had received from them.  I raise about $30 million.

And if you’re saying that I can be bought for $5,000, I’m offended.

Hilarious.  If you’re trying to buy off Rick Perry, you better bring six figures, capiche?  Here’s where I throw in the obligatory make it rain image.

Lil Wayne & Fat Joe could do business with Perry, no doubt

Ahhhh, much better.  Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, did you see what Rick Perry did in that back and forth?  It wasn’t disavowing corruption.  No, he’s ‘offended’ by a paltry sum like $5,000.  Interesting, Rick, very interesting.

Then there’s his, shall I say feeble understanding of the Constitution.  Specifically, Article IV, Section 4.  First, here’s a Perryism, something that can only exist in his mind and the minds of other vulnerable adults.  [<—Did you see that?  You should boo, folks]  Back to the debate transcript:

…the federal government has to step up and do what their constitutional duty is, and that is to secure the border with Mexico .

Uh, but Rick.  That’s not what the Constitution says at all.  Bear in mind this is an argument between Rick Santorum and Perry over immigration.  Not the drug war, where the cartel has too free a reign.  Here’s what it says regarding borders:

The United States shall guarantee to every State in this Union a Republican Form of Government, and shall protect each of them against Invasion; and on Application of the Legislature, or of the Executive (when the Legislature cannot be convened), against domestic Violence.

NOW….If you believe the various illegals crossing the border comprise an invasion force, you’re probably a fan favorite at a Tea Party Debate.  Thank you folks, I’ll be here all week.

Were he posing a rhetorical argument for tight borders due to drug violence, that may be more persuasive.  Pandering to bigotry and misconstruing foreign workers crossing the border illegally as some sort of invasion is wild.  Rick Perry might just be a cryptojournalist, the way he twisted Article. IV.  Impressive stuff, really.

But what’s REAL funny is how it contradicts his posture as a small government Republican.  Except when he’s not.

And now, for a short programming interlude.  During commercial breaks on the webcast, CNN ran hysterical Twits from Twitter and online questions.  So without further ado, here’s your winner for Most Ironic Internet Question from CNN’s 2011 Tea Party Express Republican Debate:

By abolishing the Tea Party

Moving on to one of those Tea Partiers known for creating a bipartisan environment to help move the country forward….Michele Bachmann!

For a bright woman (she’s a tax lawyer!), she sure doesn’t get it.  Whatever it is.  And in this case, it’s surprisingly the American way.  I know, right?  Let’s dip into the debate one more time (emphasis added):

…I think that the American way is not to give taxpayer subsidized benefits to people who have broken our laws or who are here in the United States illegally.  That is not the American way.

*cough* Goldman Sachs *cough*

I guess that means every financial device of the last decade is totally above board.  My fucking ass.  I found at least one outcast voice in the wild from 2008 willing to label a bailout as a subsidy.  Thank you, Gary North.  In reality, the American way is to give taxpayer subsidized benefits (in this case, money from the Federal Reserve discount window) to people who have broken our laws.

Whoops, I forgot.  Nobody’s been prosecuted from any of the fiscal fiascoes of the last few years.  Scratch that last paragraph, K?  As a nation, the United States most definitely does not aid and assist lawbreakers.  Never, ever.  Never.

Alright, and we’re back with more insane internet questions from the webcast.  Here’s the winner for Most Contradictory Internet Question from CNN’s 2011 Tea Party Express Republican Debate, brought to you by Carl’s Jr:

The only way to force another country to do something is by force

I didn’t have to throw in the ExxonMobil logo, but did.  It’s like a “Fuck You” to sensible voters nationwide.  The question itself is hilarious, almost unhinged.  The most practical way to force a country to build its own military is to attack.  Which isn’t going to bring troops home.  Moving right along…..

Sorry, Mitt Romney.  You were too damn boring to even garner mention.  But while his name is lingering in cyberspace right there, like a stale fart, let me state this as clearly and bigoted as possible.  America will never vote for a Mormon Businessman who founded a private equity firm *cough* Bain Capital *cough* as President of the United States.  People equate Mormons to Scientologists, and Scientology is literally the worst organization on Earth.  Just putting it out there.

Then there’s Ron Paul.  When Yahoo! is reporting how you elicit cheers for inadvertently endorsing letting uninsured people die in the name of freedom, things aren’t going great.  Poor Ron Paul.  Here’s the video of the incident, see how he’s baited into this weird death angle.

On the bright side, at least he’s not Jon Huntsman.  Sad sack Jon Huntsman couldn’t even get his zinger right.  Even worse, it’s being reported in America’s newspaper, USA Today.  Yikes.  From the article:

Huntsman mocked the plan Romney put forth in his book, No Apology. “I don’t know if that was written by Kurt Cobain or not,” said the former Utah governor, in what’s been interpreted as an allusion to the Nirvana song All Apologies.

When the legitimate news has to interpret an allusion, normally a valuable asset in the toolbox of the cryptojournalist, you’re fubared.  Nice try tho, buddy.

Before we begin wrapping this up, we’ve got one more internet question award to hand out.  This is our winner of the Education Question Which Most Illuminates Our Need For Education from CNN’s 2011 Tea Party Express Republican Debate:

Me fail English? That's unpossible!

Whoever the editor is that found an education question missing ‘an’ indefinite article, kudos.  That made my day.

My last thought on the debate: Herman Cain is a pretty funny dude.  Which brings about a major problem.  Now that Bernie Mac is gone, who’s going to play Mr. Cain in the 2013 HBO movie about the 2011-12 Republican nomination (tentatively called Dumpster Fire)?

"Herman Cain"

Spread your wings and flyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!

I mean, I’ve got Adam Scott (with some silver highlights) as Jon Huntsman, which fits perfectly.

"Jon Huntsman"

Do I have Nirvana on my iPod? I don't even know myself

Rick Perry is too easy to cast.  Just get that guy who plays Texas Governors, what’s his face?

"Rick Perry"

Up your ass, Liberals

Look, it’s not my fault Josh Brolin looks like he was minted to be Governor of Texas.  These things just happen sometimes.

Slick Rick Santorum?  None other than famed comedian Harland Williams a.k.a. Kenny from Half Baked.

"Rick Santorum"


Since this is an HBO joint, I’d imagine they’ve still got the Crypt Keeper lying around in some warehouse.  Perfect casting for Ron Paul.

"Ron Paul"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Tales from the Congress

Now I’ve hit an impasse with Ms. Bachmann.  If I really want to feed into the Old White Guy sexual fetishizing  of Michele Bachmann, you cast Kim Cattrall.  If you simply want to be mean, go with Mary-Louise Parker.  Bachmann would pitch a fit if the lady from Weeds portrayed her in anything.

Although if we were trying to capture that, how to put it….hmmmm……crazy eye look Michele’s got locked down, apparently Ramona Singer (whoever that is) has it on lockdown.  Supposedly she’s a Real Housewife, and by the looks of it, from Crazy Town.

Seriously, if you type ‘crazy eyes’ and search Google images, it’s Bachmann and Singer and nobody else of note.  They’re the Queen and Princess of the Kingdom of Insane Optics.

The myriad faces of Ramona Singer. All crazy

If you have not figured it out by now, the movie is being cast as a comedy.

"Michele Bachmann"

Or is she "Michele Bachmann"?

It took a lot for me to not post her eating a corn dog

I’ve still got some casting to do, but that’s shaping up to be an all star comedy cast.  HBO, I hope you’re pilfering my idea right now.

So that’s a wrap.  If you missed the debate, good for you.  Dumpster fire is too kind a phrase to describe the whole scene.  I hope this provides some color and accent (not necessarily news and information) for you about the most recent debate.  Till then…..

Table Scraps AKA Crumb Snatching

Posted in Cryptojournalism, politics, popular culture, Sports with tags , , , , on June 16, 2011 by The Cryptojournalist

Couple things I’d like to hit on.  Be warned, this will probably veer into comedic blue territory.

A commenter for The Long Islanders as well as my buddy Johnny P. from Paintball Arena on Long Island (here’s the Facebook page) pointed out the upcoming bond issue in Nassau County concerning the Islanders.  In case you’re clueless (as was I), there is an August 1st vote on  a bond issue, the Islanders seeking $400 million for a proposed value injection arena for Team Downstate (or is that $500 million?).  I speak in only slight hyperbole.  $350 million goes to the arena.  The other $50 mil (also called a Wall Street Snack in the biz) goes towards a proposed minor league baseball team.

Guess the Long Island Ducks (Warning: the website quacks) and Brooklyn Cyclones aren’t enough.  Can’t wait to see the Nassau Commuters in Single A action.

Should be the 1st inductee into the Ducks Hall of Fame

I need to share a quick personal anecdote before we get to more important (ha!) matters.  While the affectionately dubbed “Crazy Carl” played for the Ducks, I yelled, “I remember when you broke up Mike Mussina’s perfect game.”  The man had to cover his face as he manned the outfield, afraid to bust into a shit eating grin.  Good times.

Better a funny moment with Carl Everett than Jose Offerman, right?

2nd inductee into the Ducks Hall of Fame

A third minor league baseball team in Downstate New York?  Is this a ploy?  I’m not saying the Nassau Commuters won’t thrive.  Maybe they will.  It’s a smoke screen.  Charles Wang is trying to play a game of parlay.  With a value barely sniffing $150 million and the worst draw in the 4th major American sport, Wang is trying to get the residents of Nassau County to foot the bill in the hopes it increases his team’s value.

Putting the Islanders in a $350-450 million arena is akin to building a six car garage for your 1987 Nissan.  The arena would be more than twice as valuable as the franchise.  Does that make any sense?

I wouldn't watch a hockey game in that

Crumb snatching is the wrong word.  A public bond to house a 1987 jalopy?  That’s pilfering, friends.

Onto lighter fodder.  I’m going to admit something here which will strike at the heart of cryptojournalism as a discipline and at my credibility as a person.  Mob Wives on VH1?  Yeah, that’s my shit right there.  It’s breathtaking.  Like watching a young Bob Ross on the canvas.  If he were painting a car crash in slow motion.

Can’t stop watching though.  I would suggest anyone who hasn’t seen it, watch an episode or 5.  Fists flying, f-bombs raining from the heavens, and a couple of the ladies are pretty hot.  This is where the kiddies and those squeamish readers should just leave.  We’re going to delve into the cesspool of VH1’s inexplicable porn ties.

Thankfully I didn’t have to do all the legwork.  Because apparently, dozens of people employed by VH1 for their programming have been in or went on to do porn.  Yikes.  What does this have to do with Mob Wives?  It was a bump the producers must have used half a dozen times between teasers for next week’s episode and coming up later….on Mob Wives.

Sorry Drita.

I bet that kept male viewers tuned in

Extremely conspicuous.  Drita D’Avanzo gets blackout drunk and this is what VH1 highlights.  Which makes me wonder if VH1 is a feeder system into the biz or out?  And by into the biz, well, it’s the one which resides between teenagers and senior citizens.

That would be the adult business.

So you know, Drita is definitely the best character on the show.  Interesting to see how VH1 likes to use the talent.  And before you consider this a misogynist rant or sexist, well, it is.  It can even be called exploitation.  I can only wonder aloud if this sort of editing chicanery is the means by which reality talent morphs into porn talent.  Doubt it, but considering the network’s record, who knows.

If you consider that a little blue, just leave now.  Make my words, you won’t like what comes next.

Rickyisms.  Best nearlyisms you’ll find on YouTube.

I’m putting this out there, so when it happens in the future I can have a hearty laugh.

The way the Republican primary race is shaping up, being the popular culture connoisseur I am, before Christmas I’ll wager there’s a Sarah Palin/Michele Bachmann inspired porno.  A sequel to the first Who’s Nailin Paylin is already in the books.  Don’t worry, no links or unseemly milfy pictures or anything.  Just my women’s intuition that some slimy company makes Sara Nailin vs. Michelle Cockmann: The Capital Hill Gangbang (insert current Anthony Weiner joke).

Cut! That's a wrap folks, great job this afternoon

See?  Told you that you should’ve stopped reading.