Guess the Long Island Ducks (Warning: the website quacks) and Brooklyn Cyclones aren’t enough. Can’t wait to see the Nassau Commuters in Single A action.
Should be the 1st inductee into the Ducks Hall of Fame
I need to share a quick personal anecdote before we get to more important (ha!) matters. While the affectionately dubbed “Crazy Carl” played for the Ducks, I yelled, “I remember when you broke up Mike Mussina’s perfect game.” The man had to cover his face as he manned the outfield, afraid to bust into a shit eating grin. Good times.
Better a funny moment with Carl Everett than Jose Offerman, right?
2nd inductee into the Ducks Hall of Fame
A third minor league baseball team in Downstate New York? Is this a ploy? I’m not saying the Nassau Commuters won’t thrive. Maybe they will. It’s a smoke screen. Charles Wang is trying to play a game of parlay. With a value barely sniffing $150 million and the worst draw in the 4th major American sport, Wang is trying to get the residents of Nassau County to foot the bill in the hopes it increases his team’s value.
Putting the Islanders in a $350-450 million arena is akin to building a six car garage for your 1987 Nissan. The arena would be more than twice as valuable as the franchise. Does that make any sense?
I wouldn't watch a hockey game in that
Crumb snatching is the wrong word. A public bond to house a 1987 jalopy? That’s pilfering, friends.
Onto lighter fodder. I’m going to admit something here which will strike at the heart of cryptojournalism as a discipline and at my credibility as a person. Mob Wives on VH1? Yeah, that’s my shit right there. It’s breathtaking. Like watching a young Bob Ross on the canvas. If he were painting a car crash in slow motion.
Can’t stop watching though. I would suggest anyone who hasn’t seen it, watch an episode or 5. Fists flying, f-bombs raining from the heavens, and a couple of the ladies are pretty hot. This is where the kiddies and those squeamish readers should just leave. We’re going to delve into the cesspool of VH1’s inexplicable porn ties.
Thankfully I didn’t have to do all the legwork. Because apparently, dozens of people employed by VH1 for their programming have been in or went on to do porn. Yikes. What does this have to do with Mob Wives? It was a bump the producers must have used half a dozen times between teasers for next week’s episode and coming up later….on Mob Wives.
Sorry Drita.
I bet that kept male viewers tuned in
Extremely conspicuous. Drita D’Avanzo gets blackout drunk and this is what VH1 highlights. Which makes me wonder if VH1 is a feeder system into the biz or out? And by into the biz, well, it’s the one which resides between teenagers and senior citizens.
That would be the adult business.
So you know, Drita is definitely the best character on the show. Interesting to see how VH1 likes to use the talent. And before you consider this a misogynist rant or sexist, well, it is. It can even be called exploitation. I can only wonder aloud if this sort of editing chicanery is the means by which reality talent morphs into porn talent. Doubt it, but considering the network’s record, who knows.
If you consider that a little blue, just leave now. Make my words, you won’t like what comes next.
Rickyisms. Best nearlyisms you’ll find on YouTube.
I’m putting this out there, so when it happens in the future I can have a hearty laugh.
The way the Republican primary race is shaping up, being the popular culture connoisseur I am, before Christmas I’ll wager there’s a Sarah Palin/Michele Bachmann inspired porno. A sequel to the first Who’s Nailin Paylin is already in the books. Don’t worry, no links or unseemly milfy pictures or anything. Just my women’s intuition that some slimy company makes Sara Nailin vs. Michelle Cockmann: The Capital Hill Gangbang (insert current Anthony Weiner joke).
Cut! That's a wrap folks, great job this afternoon
As you can tell, I like to make light of things. So I need to state this crystal clear. This particular post, this shtick about the Voice of this Generation, is done with no brevity. Listen with your eyes, then try to see it with your ears. This may sound like it’s coming straight out of left field. It reads as Kanye’s perspective as a corporate lobbyist inside the beltway. Beltway, you like that inside fastball lingo, right? Dweeb.
Here’s the video.
Truly incredible how the song amuses me more and more every time I hear it. The normal mind perceives a song about the sort of female to avoid at the club…..the Contemporary American Gold Digger, a ferocious cross between the North American Cougar and a Hammerhead Shark.
Holla we want pre-nup, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk
Subtlety is not the word most folks would use to describe the Defining Song of the ’00s. I’m putting it out there right now. We’ve got so little to show as a culture that the claim of Gold Digger as the definitive song of a decade is not out of the realm of reason. I would LOVE to hear what stacks up as the best in others’ opinions. Cause The Muse, The Strokes, The White Stripes, The Tea Kettles, The The’s and generally all of the music in our Post-9/11 World does not pique my interest.
Well, except Gold Digger. Before getting too far ahead of myself with some fringe cryptojournalism, allow me to give you some accent. Is anyone surprised that the rapper who dons the guise of a corporate lobbyist is from Chicago, neck-and-neck with New Orleans as America’s Most Corrupt City. Tacking the smooth sheen of machine-style Windy City corruption on a song that’s a ballad to Capitol Hill is almost unfair. Whoops, I just didn’t. No turning back now, I guess. Buckle up, it’s time to get into the guts of this cadaver and see what we can extract.
So right of the bat, we’ve got Willie Beamen leading in for K-Wizzle (FULL LYRICS HERE)
“She take my money when I’m in need
Yea she’s a trifflin’ friend indeed”
That’s not even encrypted. Makes my job easy. And yes, trifflin’ is the proper word to describe Cap Hill.
“Oh she’s a gold digger way over town
That dig’s on me
(She gives me money)
Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger (When I’m in Need)
But she ain’t messin’ with no broke niggas”
Now we’re beginning to grasp a picture. This creature, the Gold Digger, takes your money at first, then gives you money when you’re in need? Sounds like a good investment. Be wary, tho. Mr. West says she ain’t messin’ with no broke niggas. (Don’t worry, I’m allowed to use that word. I’m a ginger. And according to Minority Logic, I’m allowed to be racist. Go ahead, ask a minority) If that doesn’t read like a how to guide for buying favors, then I quit. Give money to get money, no small timers are allowed on the table. Anyone whose written up a no-bid contract in the last decade must get a shit eating grin every time they hear Gold Digger, and they probably don’t know why.
Cause right from the jump, the song is clear as day telling you, “I’m a corporate lobbyist. I buy favors and contracts for donations to 501(c)(3)’s, via perks and buttering up politicos.” Like the old saying goes, one hand washes another.
Ok, back to this vitally important piece of cryptojournalism.
“Cutie the bomb
Met her at a beauty salon
With a baby Louis Vuitton
Under her underarm”
Next time I’m on Long Island, remind me to record the stretch of Montauk Highway in Copiague where it’s just so obviously crime fronts. When there are 5-6 nail salons/barbershops in a 1/8 mile stretch of road, its just a matter of which places run what. Based on this prejudicial assumption, and Saul Goodman’s antics on Breaking Bad, let’s say a beauty salon is a convenient front for black market business. Makes rhetorical games more amusing. So we’ve got Kanye and Tom Daschle, um I mean this vague Gold Digger (with consumption class tastes…Louis Vuitton? That’s the top of the line Kanye? Christ, maybe corporate lobbying doesn’t pay like you would expect.
“She said I can tell you ROC
I can tell by your charm
Far as girls you got a flock
I can tell by your charm and your arm”
Ok, now we’re getting into some real cryptojournalism. You’re reading that correctly, it says ROC. Here, I assumed it was rock, much like the way ODB used to rock, or like a contemporary John Mayer. Nope. From the mouth of the Gold Digger, “I can tell you ROC,” there’s a whole other meaning. Confused, I had to look up the word. Turns out ROC is short for return on capital. Like a parlay, but with an edge of refinement and credibility. Investor Words describes it clearly, as a measure of how effectively a company uses the money (borrowed or owned) invested in its operations. So corporate Kanye brings home the sheqels, eh? No wonder so many people want to keep him on retainer. That, or he’s part of the Roc-A-Fella family. Like the record label this track released. Or not. Return on capital sounds much more appropriate.
Staring at these words, you’re probably thinking, “Gee, getting a little desperate dude, trying to put something in a song that isn’t there. Going into a website and dropping some obscure investment term into a rap song. Cute.” You know, I wish that was the case. But looking over another half dozen lyric sites, they all say ROC. It’s odd that some, to use the nomenclature, hood rat would be using a niche term from the finance world. Unless said hood rat is Maxine Waters, whoops, that should say Dennis Hastert, aww dammit, I meant to type The Federal Government. This isn’t a sniper attack, its a broad metaphor.
Back to the grand metaphor.
“but I’m looking for the one
have you seen her?
My psychic told me she have an ass like Serena
Trina, Jennifer Lopez”
There are a few meaty bits in this section, let’s take a closer (aka cryptojournalistic) look. Before this song, I did not know Kanye West was a proponent of the occult arts. But he goes to a psychic. So what exactly does this mean? Sit down kiddies, this is bound to be one hell of a long winded explanation.
First, let me throw a link out to The Vigilant Citizen. Dude does a great job explaining occult symbolism, especially in the context of popular culture. One of his general thrusts is the global elite are occult worshipers. Of course, the connotation I’m making is that Kanye knows this. How many rappers that you know go to psychics? None, because none are as tapped into the elite as a shape shifting metaphorical corporate lobbyist.
Just in case the point was not made clearly. Lobbyist West going to a psychic is an allusion to the black art shenanigans many ‘conspiracy theorists’ and other wack-a-doo’s believe Those Damn Globalists practice. Psychic=Globalist!!!!
But that’s not the real meat. We get a Trina shout out. If you did not watch BET Uncut at the turn of the century (as I expect most didn’t), you may have never heard of Da Baddest Bitch.
My psychic told me....
The girth of her posterior even has a forum thread dedicated to it. Rightfully so. But what do the fine booty’s of some of Hollywood’s biggest rumps have to do with Capitol Hill and the corporate lobby? C’mon, it’s a metaphor. Be it Serena, Trina or J.Lo, the butt’s really the pork……Washington pork. Take a second look at this clip, “My psychic told me she have an ass like Serena, Trina, Jennifer Lopez.” What it REALLY says is, “My shadow handler told me to lean on Don Young, , Roland Burris or Charlie Rangle for a hand to see this contract signed.” By all means, please, prove me wrong. Whoops, that’s impossible. It’s already cryptojournalism.
“four kids
An I gotta take all they bad ass to show-biz
OK get your kids but then they got their friends
I pulled up in the Benz, they all got up in”
Another fairly obvious allusion. I could rehash the tale of a North American Cougar, Sarah Palin, using RNC funds to buy her whole cabal new attire. Too many links overwhelms, so let’s stay on point.
Everyone wants a piece of this North American Cougar
Huh? Oh I’m sorry, I was distracted. That’s one of the Gold Digger’s most powerful weapons: the illusion of promiscuity. No matter if you’re a man or woman, married or single, a local government or the Feds, the perception of stands. Seen as being ‘for sale’ to some extent, however you want to interpret that, gold diggers are in it for themselves. Don’t forget that part of this whole angle.
So Kanye’s stuck footing the bail for this crime, err, dinner. Cause there’s rules to graft. I do not know these rules, because I’m honest. I’m no gutter fish, not yet at least. Apparently one of them is stuffing as many tag alongs as possible into the Benz.
“We all went to Den and then I had to pay
If you fucking with this girl then you better be payed”
Christ, Kanye. Another obscure use of a short word. What the hell is Den? Ok, the intraweb tells me that Den is a posh Manhattan boutique. Kudos, genius wordsmith. NOW I understand why you’re a few years from overtaking LL as Greatest Of All Time (that’s G.O.A.T. for those of you not in the biz), cause you’re shopping at a comic punchline. Flavor Flav would roll over in his crypt if he knew this passed for rap.
What Mr. K Street means with the second line is pretty clear. You need deep pockets to play the game in DC. If you’re really curious as to what I mean, do a little reading on the 1886 Santa Clara County v. Southern Pacific Railroad. Digressions. What a bitch.
“You know why
It take too much to touch her
From what I heard she got a baby by Busta
My best friend say she use to fuck with Usher
I don’t care what none of you all say I still love her”
Rap and hip-hop, much like college football, is territorial. Busta Rhymes represents New York; Usher stands for Atlanta. Atlanta is actually a southern business center, with UPS and the Atlanta Hawks both found in The Medium Peach. But Kanye, the Gay Fish himself, reps Chicago, the World’s crime front.
Kanye practicing the art of cryptojournalism
Well, Chicago is only the world’s biggest front if you think Al Gore’s carbon exchange is a shell game. Or that Rod Blagojevich didn’t operate in a bubble. Rather than rambling on about how corrupt a city Chicago is, check out this article from The Telegraph. Although to be fair, an amateur google search of ‘most corrupt u.s. city’ brings a fair number of hits to both New Orleans and Chicago. This is cryptojournalism, there’s no need to be exact. If Kanye the lobbyist represents Chicago, the Gold Digger better sharpen her claws. Lotta meat on that carcass.
“18 years, 18 years
She got one of your kids got you for 18 years”
Dude and his psychic talk about more than booty. He saw the nationalization trend in 2005, before many of us. Prophet.
“I know somebody paying child support for one of his kids
His baby mamma’s car and crib is bigger than his”
“Child support” is white collar slang for being audited. IRS wants it’s back child support…..bad news when you’re a lobbyist trying to net a 12% ROC. And as per the Familial Clause from the Rap Summit of 2000, held in glamorous Trenton, New Jersey, every rap song needs to make at least one mention of the rhetorical ‘baby mamma.’ Not everything is a metaphor.
“You will see him on TV any given Sunday”
Brilliant! Jamie Foxx is singing backup, and Any Given Sunday is one of his movies! Regrettably, that sounds like the voice of this generation. I’d have gone with, “You can see him on HD, in living color.”
“Win the Superbowl and drive off in a Hyundai”
Stunning. The definitive message on globalization in the 21st Century, and it’s Kanye West we have to thank. In case you didn’t know, Hyundai is a foreign car maker. I didn’t even mean to put italics in that last sentence, but they’re that nefarious. Not only are they imports, they’re shitty imports. In the face, America. You are being sold a cooked bill of goods. It’s being cooked deliciously and carefully with hoisin sauce in the Near East.
“She was suppose to buy you shorty TYCO with your money
She went to the doctor got lypo with your money
She walking around looking like Michael with your money
Should of got that insured got GEICO for your money”
Tyco for lipo? Bait and switch if I’ve ever heard it. GEICO? The Government Employees Insurance Company? I’m not even going to tack a zinger on that. You’ve already been zung.
“If you ant no punk holla we want prenup
WE WANT PRENUP! Yeah
It’s something that you need to have
‘Cause when she leave yo ass she gone leave with half”
A prenuptial agreement is a measure of personal security one takes. For a corporate lobbyist, that means no-bid contracts. Holla we want no-bids. WE WANT NO-BIDS! Yeah!
“18 years, 18 years
And on her 18th birthday he found out it wasn’t his”
Again with the nationalization! Zing! I do love me a good satirical quip.
My apologies for skimming through some of the lyric liners. Sometimes even the best terrible analogies don’t totally fit. So fast forwarding in the track a little bit, let’s jump back into the third verse. Keep in mind Kanye’s telling the tale of a young lobbyist, on his first date with the Feds.
“He got that ambition baby look in his eyes
This week he mopping floors next week it’s the fries
So, stick by his side
I know this dude’s balling but yeah that’s nice”
Mr. West’s third person, the aspiring corporate lobbyist, clearly is not suffering during this recovery. Economic recovery. And here it appears I’m the liar behind the keyboard. Digression, sorry. Working the cushy Johnson & Johnson/Proctor and Gamble circuit, then off to lobby for Monsanto. Congratulations, kid.
Are you ready for that last great zinger? I know I am.
“And they gone keep calling and trying
But you stay right girl
But when you get on he leave your ass for a white girl”
Oh snap! Left you for a white girl! If we’re analogizing ‘white girl’ with another partner for an up and coming lobbyist, it can only mean one of two things. British or Chinese. Damn you, Kanye! Of course the corporate lobby is flocking to London and China. London is a closer pirate haven than Israel, and China has rare earth minerals on the production side.
His keen insight and knowledge into the occult world, his magnificently cryptojournalistic allusions to Asian outsourcing, his succinct use of the word lipo and his undying allegiance to the Chicago Front (just wait till you see the footage in 2012 of him at the Carbon Credit Convention. It’s gonna be classic!) all make Kanye West a corporate lobbyist. Remember that the next time a stale DJ bumps Gold Digger at the club.
Rhyme and Reasonable 